The Art of Letting Go
by mamasutra
Summary: Edward always told me that I owned his heart even though other women filled his bed. Bad decisions and a broken heart always lead me back to the boy who ruled my world until I learned the fine art of letting go.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The ringing of my phone mixed with the loud banging on my apartment door caused me to wake up with a startled jolt. No one came to door at two in the morning.

No one, except him.

I glanced at the phone to see his name glaring back at me. _Edward._ Of course it was him. Only Edward felt like whatever was going on in his life that was going to hell would also constitute an emergency in mine.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! This is just a drabble to help me get this plot bunny out of my head. I'm in the mood for angst and while every one's opinion of what is angst is different, this is what I am thinking of here. Also, don't expect Mr. Perfect Edward Cullen, but this Edward is far from perfect.**

**As always, I make no promises concerning HEA's or how it will end, I just hope you will enjoy the ride.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I jerked the door open mid pounding to find Edward Cullen standing there in nothing but his boxers and ratty old ass t-shirt. His auburn hair stood on end and his green eyes were tired looking. Even looking like hell warmed over he still was the most beautiful man I had ever seen.

"What the hell?' he practically screamed as I startled him by opening the door quickly in the middle of his temper tantrum.

"That's my question, Edward," I hissed at him as stood in the door way, refusing to move to let him, even though we both knew I would.

"You sleep in that?"He asked me, calming down with each passing second as he motioned towards the t-shirt I wore to bed each night. It was his old gym shirt from high school. I had stolen it from his room one night after he let me wear it.

I looked at him, refusing to answer his question since it never lead anywhere. It didn't matter what I slept in and he knew it too.

"She kicked you out again?" I asked him and then smirked as he cringed under my tired stare since this was not the first time he had shown up at my door in the middle of the night after a fight with her and we both knew it would not be the last since he refused to end it with it her. He liked the fight. He liked to watch her cry. Edward was a master heartbreaker and I knew it all too well since he had been breaking mine since the moment we had met.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading and thank you for giving this a try.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

He sat on my couch running a hand through his hair as if it was no big deal he woke me up at two in the morning again over her.

"What did you do this time?" I asked him, not bothering to hide the anger in my tone. He woke me up so he could deal with the bitchiness that came with no sleep.

"Or should I ask _who_ did you do this time?" I asked him tauntingly as I watched his eyes rise to meet mine in an angry stare that robbed me of the air I breathed with its intensity while reminding me how beautiful he could be when he was furious.

"Damn it," he muttered as he looked at me with a gaze that would have wounded a weaker soul, but I had been forged in the fire of heartache with Edward. There was nothing he could do that would shock me.

"It was Jess, but you know how it is with Jess. It's just fucking, Bella, nothing more," he muttered while trying to down play what he had done, not that I needed to hear his excuses since I had heard them all and I had no doubt Tanya had as well.

_I was drunk._

S_he was naked._

_ She wanted me._

_ I didn't think._

My favorite was _I didn't think_ because it was as close to the truth as what I would ever get from Edward.

"Do you hate me, Bella?" he asked me after a long moment of silence as we sat knee to knee on my beat up couch, as if I was the one who he should be asking this question to. I wasn't his girl. He never wanted me beyond money or comfort and part of me hated him for it while the other part was thankful for small favors.

"Do you hate me, Popcorn?" he asked in a soft whisper, calling me by an old nickname that he gave me back from high school when I worked at a movie theater and smelled of buttered popcorn all the time. Edward would always ask me if I hated him and sometimes I wished that I could tell him yes, while truly meaning it.

A**N:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

This was our song and dance. He would bitch over how Tanya never understood him, never cared, never loved him. He would claim this lack of attention would lead him to whatever bad decision, whore, or mistake that would bring him back to me.

He always came back to me.

"No one loves me like you do," he whispered to me as he took hold of my hand in his. This had been his go to move since we were five and he would upset me by playing with the boys over me. It was simple move, but it always owned my heart.

I opened my mouth to speak, to tell him he was right and that no one would ever love him like I did, but instead of my voice, the room was filed with the screech of his ring tone that was designated for Tanya. I watched a flicker of emotion pass over his face before he turned away from me to answer it

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I was drunk and Jess was just there…. No, you know she means nothing to me. It's you, it's always been you," he pleaded into the phone with such a sad voice that it would make the angles cry. I sat there watching him put on a show worthy of a Oscar nod while reminding my aching heart once more that he may always come back to me, but he never stayed.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks for taking a chance on this story as well as response. I'm so glad so many of you are in the mood for angst like what I am. With this fic I am shooting for at least one update a day, more if I have the time.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The room was dark as I lay there listening to the silence that had over taken my apartment. I had walked out, leaving Edward to sweet talk his idiotic girlfriend into taking him back. I couldn't stomach his pleading apologies and whimpering that he never meant to hurt her, so I went back to bed. I was done, or so I had told myself, even though I knew I wasn't. He was Edward and because of that I would never be done. I would always be waiting for him and what was worse was that he knew it too.

"Popcorn?" I heard him call into the darkness, appearing my door way like the ghost he was becoming in my life. I remained still, hoping like hell that he would just walk away like he always did, but of course the one time I want him to walk he won't do it. That's how it always is with him and me.

"Bella, baby, don't be mad at me," he whispered into the dark as I ignored him.

"I can't handle it when you're mad at me," he said in a nervous tone. I knew he couldn't. This was the one weakness I held over him. He needed me to believe in him. He had always needed that, but it made no sense since everyone I knew believed in Edward Cullen. They all believed in his pretty rich boy smile and smart ass grin. They believed him to be unstoppable and for the most part he was except for this.

I listened to his heavy sigh before he walked closer until he reached my bed. I felt the cover move, pulling back so that he could join me on my bed. It was too much and exactly what I wanted from him.

"Bella, please?" he whispered as he slipped into bed beside me before I felt his hand pulling me back against him so that he was hugging me. It was an awkward hug as I tried to remain unmoving against him. His arms were warm and strong as they held me, reminding me that even though he held me close like this I wasn't his girl. I had never been his girl.

"Do you love her?" I asked him while hating myself for even asking since Tanya was one of a multitude of girls that he had called his throughout the years. They all had been the same. The same blonde hair, the same vacant stare and the same pretty face. They all lacked something beyond the common sense to know that Edward Cullen was not the boyfriend type and he seemed to enjoy their lacking, but to me it made no sense since he was better than that. He was better than that some girl who was fine with being used, yet he never saw it that way. Instead, he seemed to seek out these damaged girls only to prey upon their weaknesses while filling whatever void was in his heart as well.

"Popcorn, there has only ever been one girl for me," he whispered in a sleepy tone, but I could hear in the finality in his tone as he tried to dismiss my question without ever truly answering it just like always.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"I don't know why anyone puts up with him," Angela muttered in a pissed off tone as she watched Edward sit at the table with Tanya. Her hand was on top of his, claiming him as if he had never fucked another girl.

I watched her as she watched him with her wide blue eyes. She was in love with him. I could see it and I knew Edward could as well otherwise he would not have fucked the town whore in efforts to end it with her. Her days were numbered. He would get rid of whatever girl he had entangled himself with the moment love was ever mentioned and Jessica was his trick of choice in those cases since she was always willing.

"I'd tell him to fuck off," she mumbled as we both watched her lean in to press a soft kiss against his cheek with her bright pink painted lips. The sight of it made me physically ill, but she was his girlfriend and had that right, no matter how dumb I thought she was.

"Yeah, the girl is about as dumb as they come," I said with a snicker as I watched Edward push her way while flirting with one of Tanya's bimbo friends.

"I was talking about you," Angela said with a laugh, causing me to look at her with a stunned expression.

"Don't look at me like that, Bella," she said as she shook her head at me as if I was the one who was wrong instead of her.

"I can't. He needs me," I whispered, telling her more truths about Edward and me than what I had ever intended with my simple confession.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"Bella," I heard the soft unsure voice of Mike Newton call out to me as I walk home from the diner like I did every night. I looked around for Edward. He had promised to walk to me home, but he was nowhere to be found. It was with a nervous sigh that I stopped, pausing for a moment to brace myself, allowing Mike to catch up.

"Hey Mike," I said with a smile as he looked at me with warm blue eyes while reminding me that he was a handsome man when he smiled. He was taking classes at the junior college just like I was in hopes of taking over his family's business. He had been in Seattle at UW until his father's heat attack forced him back home to help out which was a better reason to come back than what I had. Mike was a good man and I had no doubt that he would succeed at obtaining all his dreams.

"What are you doing walking alone so late at night?" he asked me as he looked around the empty streets of our little town that were pitch black with only pockets of light from the sparse street lights.

"I would have figured Cullen would be out there walking you home," he said not bothering to hide the bitterness in his tone as he spoke Edward's name. He never liked Edward and with good reason.

"He's with Tanya," I said in whisper of voice even though I had no idea if he was with her or some other girl before cringing over my tone since I was trying to not sound as bitter as what Mike was when he mentioned Edward's name.

"His loss," he muttered as he looked at me with a smile while offering me his arm.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"What's the deal with you and Cullen anyway?' Mike asked after a long bout of silence as we walked the empty street together. The wind was cold and picking up in strength while hinting at the rain that was always looming here.

"We have some things in common," I said as I thought about the boy who had been my friend since my first day back in town that I had forgotten. He knew what it was like to visit a headstone on mother's day. He understood my loss and I understood his.

While I was blindsided by losing my mother to an accident caused by a drunk driver on a Sunday afternoon, Edward watched his mother die a slow, painful death from bone cancer. He was the only other kid in a small town that understood that loss and because of it we seemed to gravitate towards each other. The only difference in our lives was that after my mother's death my father willed himself to die with each drink he took and his father decided to live again by marrying a woman who had been his mother's best friend. Edward never got over his father's so called betrayal and I never could get mine to realize that while mom was gone I was worth living for.

"But you never dated right?" he asked me as I shook my head slowly. I would never call what Edward and I did dating. There were stolen moments of intimacy, but dating was not something that Edward did.

"Are you dating him now?" he asked me in a nervous manner that caused me to sputter with laughter as we approached my building arm in arm together.

"No," I managed to say in between a snort and giggle. I had once dreamed of dating Edward. I had once wanted to be his only, but I knew it was a lost cause.

"Why do you ask?" I asked him as I turned towards him as we stopped in front of my door, but before Mike could answer we were interrupted by an angry snort of laughter that was filled with mockery.

"Yeah, Newton, why do you ask?" Edward asked him as he appeared out of the shadows with a furious look in his eyes.

**AN:**

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	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward stood before the door as if he had a right to be there when we both knew he didn't. He had no right, but that never stopped him before.

"Well, Cullen," Mike said in a tone that hinted at his impatience as he met Edward's anger with his own version of apathy.

"I was about to ask Bella out, not that it concerns you," Mike said with a tense smile that was meant to be casual, but I could see the discomfort, but Edward was too lost to unnecessary anger that made him snarl in anger. He had no reason to be angry after all the times I had to sit back and watch him with girl after girl and not say a damn word.

"So, Bella," Mike said as he turned back to me with a smile that was still nervous, yet cute as he tried to block out Edward's lanky frame with his own thicker one while running a hand through his thick blonde hair.

"Would you like to go out sometime?" he asked me with a hopeful look while Edward sputtered a growl in response.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"You want to tell me what the hell that was?" Edward demanded as he stomped up the steps to my apartment.

"Go home," I hissed at him as I continued to walk up the stairs without looking back at him. It hurt too much to look at him.

"You know how I feel about Newton," he continued to ramble on as if _I_ had wronged _him_ somehow.

"Yeah, I know and I don't care," I said as I stopped in front of my door with my keys in hand while praying that he could not see the tremor as I slid the key into the lock.

"Now, go home," I said without looking back towards him as I unlocked the door.

"Bella, you have no idea…" he began to say as he slapped his palm on the door causing it to echo around us while I walked in before attempting to shut the door in his face.

"What I have no idea about is why the hell you even care?" I hissed at him as I felt my anger rising over his stupid comments since they were the same ones as they had been in high school, but high school was over by two years.

_Bella, you don't understand guys._

_ Bella, he only wants in your pants and you're better than that._

My question silenced him, but did not wound him enough to stop him from pushing his way into my home. I watched him as I kicked off my sneakers and tossed my purse down while Edward leaned against the wall with a furious, yet sick look on his face.

"Bella…" he began to speak as I rolled my eyes at him. He always hated it when I did that.

"Listen, you have no right, Edward. Do you hear me? No right at all to say one damn word about Mike or me or anyone else I may or may not date," I growled at him as he looked at me with cold eyes.

"I know, but…" he began, but I continued on, not letting him speak.

"No buts!" I yelled at him in anger as I watched his eyes go wide with surprise over my outburst even though he had heard me scream at him before.

"If I want to go then I will go and there isn't one damn thing you can do about it, do you understand me?" I asked him while he looked at me with wide eyes and a grim expression.

"You do as you please, so why can't I?" I yelled in anger as I watched him look away in what might have been shame, but the Edward I knew was never ashamed of what he did.

"Besides, what's so wrong with Mike?" I asked him as I felt my anger dissipate into hurt, yet I didn't bother to stop speaking.

"He's a nice guy, Edward. He's not some manwhore that chases every skirt in town. He has a future and a business, and… and…" I stammered on as I watched him hang his head for a moment before looking at me with hard, emotionless eyes.

"He'll never be good enough to be with you, Bella," Edward said with such cold, certainty that caused me to shiver in response to his icy tone.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"So, Edward's been hanging out a lot more," Angela commented as she jerked a thumb towards Edward who was sitting in an empty booth of the diner. She was right since he had. I think it was guilt from missing walking me home the night Mike asked me out. He never explained where he was, just promised that he would never let me down again. I nodded, humoring him since we both knew that it was a lie.

"Yeah," I replied with a sigh as I watched hr shake her head at me.

"Stop it, Ang," I whispered as she looked at me with a disappointed look.

"Bella, I get you care about him, but the boy is on a crash course with disaster and he is taking you with him," she ranted as she scowled at the back of Edward's head.

"No, he's not," I said defending him like what I always did, even though I knew to some extent Ang was right. Edward was trouble. He always had been and even though we were twenty that had not changed.

"Why did you come home, Bella?" Angela asked me in a snotty tone as I cringed over her question since she knew why.

"Because my dad died," I said in a small tone as I watched Edward take a drink from the cup of coffee that I had refilled three times as he waited for me. As soon as I spoke Ang snorted over my response.

"So, Edward flunking out after one semester of fucking everything that was willing and drinking so much that he couldn't function had nothing to do with your return?" she asked me with a wicked tone that made my anger flicker to life as she reminded me of my decision.

"He never asked you to come back?" she asked as I remained silent under her questions.

"He never told you things would be different?" she asked knowing damn well that he did since I told her one wine soaked night as I cried over something stupid Edward had done.

"He did, but…" I began as I tried to justify my actions, but she silenced me.

"I'm not judging you, Bella," she said causing me to stop and glare at her for a moment before she smiled at me.

"Ok, I'm totally judging you, but come on, Bella. You came back from Seattle for him. For him!" she practically screamed as she swatted me with a towel as I dodged her as best as what I could.

"It was dumb, Bella and you know it," she said as I hung my head in shame while she cackled loudly at me like the bitch she was.

"Listen, I couldn't just leave him, Ang. You don't understand what its like," I said as she shook her head at me once more. She didn't understand. No one understood.

"I don't know, Bella, but what I do know is that one day you will have to start your life with or without him, no matter if Edward is ready for that or not. You can't keep waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass when you know it may never happen," she said and the nodded for me in a motion for me to look behind me.

I glanced over my shoulder and found Edward watching us once more. His green eyes were dark and worried looking while sporting the pinched look that he always took on when he was stressed. It wasn't a look I was used to seeing on his face. It made him look older than our twenty years.

"Yeah, I know, Ang," I said as I watched him look away from me before I turned back towards the counter top that I had been wiping for the last ten minutes.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The walk back to my apartment was silent except for the sound of our feet scraping against the pavement. Edward was brooding over something, but I had no idea what. He didn't know about my date my Mike. He aware of a night out to Port Angles for dinner and movie that turned into talking until dawn over a cup of coffee at a diner followed up with a soft kiss good night at my door.

"What's your problem?" I asked him as we walked side by side with my hands balled up in my pocket to keep them warm against the cold November air.

"My dad called," he said as we walked as if it was nothing, but I knew better.

"I never spoke to him. He called when I was out," Edward said almost absent mindedly.

"He spoke with Tanya," he said as if it was nothing, and to him it was, but to me Tanya talking with his dad was one more step in replacing me all together.

"He invited us to Thanksgiving dinner," he said lamely as he stopped before my door and then looked at me as if he was waiting, but what he was waiting for I had no idea. There was no reaction to give him since more than once he had taken her instead of me to whatever family function he was invited to while leaving me alone.

"You should go," I said as I pulled out my keys and unlocked my door, letting myself in while blocking him out by quickly shutting the door in his face.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I dressed for dinner at the Newton's. Mike had invited me and I happily said yes. It was a bold move on his part since we were far from being serious after only a handful of dates that went well, but I hated being alone on the holidays so I would gladly accept his invitation to spend time with him.

_"You can say no if you other plans," Mike said in a nervous tone as he leaned against the door frame of my apartment. I had yet to invite him in, even though I had no reason not to._

_ Typically, I had plans to go home with Edward. His father and stepmom would welcome me as if I were one of their own and we would manage a happy holiday while Edward scowled at us, but this year he was taking Tanya so I was left without plans._

_ "No other plans and nowhere else I'd rather be," I assured Mike with an honest smile since it was true. There was nowhere else I'd rather be than with him that night even though I knew my thoughts would be with Edward. I squeezed his hand in mine before he leaned in for another kiss good night that would lead to another and another one._

I had barely zipped up my red dress when there was a loud knock on my door. I glanced at the clock. He was early.

"Hey, I thought you said you'd be here at eleven thirty," I called out teasing him as I opened the door with a wide smile, but instead of Mike's warm blue gaze, I was greeted y Edward who gawked at me in surprise.

"I never told you a time since you never gave me a chance," he said as he looked at me with wide eyes that seemed startled.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him as I pulled him inside before peering down the hallway to see if Mike was close by, but it was empty.

"What are you doing dressed like that? You know it's casual at my dad's house," he said as he looked at me with a grin while motioning towards the dress I was wearing in comparison to the jeans and t-shirt he had on. I could feel his gazed skimming over my curves, settling for a second on my chest before meeting my gaze once more.

"I have a date," I said to him as I closed the door behind us and then waited for his laughter. He did not fail me, but what was surprising by it was how hollow and bitter it sounded.

"What do you mean you have a date?" he asked me in a cold tone that made me want to cringe.

"I mean, I have a date. Mike should be here in the next half hour so why don't you go pick up Tanya and just go without me," I said as I watched his face grow pale with the mention Mike's name.

"Tanya and I broke up…" he started to say, but then stopped as he glared at me.

"Mike? As in Mike Newton?" he asked me with snarl as I nodded my head yes only to be greeted with his cruel laughter.

"Mike is a total fucking asshole and…." He stammered like he always did when he was on verge of losing it.

"No, he's not. He's a nice guy, Edward and he invited me to dinner so I said yes. Besides, why would I go with you? You have Tanya, you don't need me," I said through gritted teeth as I watched Edward practically flounder about like a child who had a toy taken away as he sputtered nonsense before he turned and opened the door with a hard jerk, causing it to crash into the wall behind it while he stormed out in anger.

**AN**:

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"So, Bella," Mrs. Newton began, pulling me out of my thoughts and making me focus on her. She was demanding, but I expected as much since it was common knowledge in our small town that no one was good enough for her boy after the Jessica Stanley incident in high school.

"Tell me about you," she said with a wide fake grin that made me miss Esme Cullen more than ever since she never looked at me like I was some piece of trash that Edward had tracked in on the bottom of his shoe.

"I…Uhm…I work at the diner and I take classes in PA," I said feeling more lame than ever by announcing how dull my life was.

"Mom, leave her alone," Mike hissed at her, but Mrs. Newton rolled her eyes in response to her son's anger.

"I have the right to know the girl you are choosing to spend your time with," she said as Mr. Newton shook his head as if he was the embarrassed one, not me.

"I'm fine," I whispered to Mike as I squared my shoulders to take on the next set of questions that she had for me.

"So, tell what's going on with you and Edward Cullen," she said bluntly causing Mike to drop his fork and bark at her in anger until I placed a calming hand on his arm. I could answer this. I had answered this question countless times by different people.

"Edward and I are friends," I responded as she looked at me with a hard look in her eyes that were just as bright blue as her son's were.

"Just friends?" she questioned me in almost a mocking tone and I knew why. She doubted me, just like she doubted every girl that had been with Mike in the wake of Jessica Stanley. She had been Mike's girlfriend in high school and had broken his heart by cheating on him with every guy that was willing. Mike was able to get over it, unfortunately his mother never had.

"Yes, just friends, nothing more," I said calmly as I felt Mike take hold of my hand in his larger one. It felt comforting and wrong all at once.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"I am so sorry," Mike said in a sad voice that was tinged with embarrassment as he leaned against the door frame of my apartment. I hated to see him like that since there was no reason. He had done nothing wrong.

"Mike," I whispered as I brought my hands up to cup his face, forcing him to look at me with his deep blue eyes. They were so clear that I could almost see his soul and it left me breathless with its gentle beauty.

"Don't do this," I whispered to him as he looked me while mentally kicking himself.

"My mom is…" he began to say, but I interrupted him.

"Protective and I understand that," I said as he shook his head no.

"I was going to say a being a bitch, but I guess we can go with protective,' he said with a sad laugh before leaning forward to kiss me. His lips were cold from the wind that surrounded us as we stood there and sweet like the pie we had eaten before leaving his parents' house.

I could stop the soft moan that escaped from my lips as he pulled me closer while deepening our kiss. His tongue tangled with mine in the most delicious of manners, reminding me of sex and want, both things that I had long missed since moving back to Forks. My moan only seemed to spur Mike on as his hands went from my hair to my ass, cupping me as he held me against him as tight as what our winter coats would allow. It was heaven and agony all rolled into one since I wanted the kiss. I wanted to take it further and to feel his skin against mine. I wanted it all, yet no matter how badly I wanted it or how good it felt, I knew it was wrong.

"Oh!" I heard a surprised gasp startle me enough to break my over heated kiss with Mike to find a red faced Esme Cullen retreating towards her car while stuttering a mortified good bye while I remained tangled in Mike's arms.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"You didn't have to have him leave," Esme said as she sank down on to my beat up couch with a glass of wine in her hand while I poured myself a glass. I knew I didn't. I knew Esme would understand and not judge. She was good like that. She was always one pushing me to live my own life so there would have been no hard feelings, but I was glad she interrupted since I wasn't sure if I wanted Mike or if I just craved sex.

"I know," I said as I walked back into my tiny front room that was cluttered with book and pictures of people who had left me far too soon.

"Well, for what its worth I'd totally do Mike too," she said with a snicker, causing me to snort my wine over her bold statement.

"What?" she asked me in a teasing tone as I laughed loudly to the point where it hurt and that felt so good.

"You know I like blondes," she teased while reminding me that Edward's dad, Carlisle was a blonde. He also was a very attractive man whom Edward had gotten his killer looks from except for eye and hair color, those he inherited from his mother, Elizabeth.

"Esme," I said as I swatted her while laughing at her as she continued to giggle with me.

This was the Esme I knew. The one that was bold and beautiful. The one who helped heal Dr. Cullen's heart after his wife died with her laughter and love. The same woman who no matter what she tried could not reach Edward, but reached me with her loving way and teasing snicker. She was a good woman and the closest thing I had to a parent in my world.

"Really, all kidding aside, Be, Mike is a good egg," she said as she tapped on my leg in a loving manner that was so Esme like.

"I know," I said as I swallowed back the salty tears that threatened to spill over for no reason as I looked at the woman who had emotionally adopted me the day we met and loved me even though her stepson couldn't stand her.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Ok, ladies, as you well know I rarely pimp a fic, but here it goes. I am totally in love with Believeitornot's fic On a Limb and it's on the lemonade stand this week. I am not kidding when I say this girl can write. It is by far the best fic on the poll this week with how well written it is & it is horribly under reviewed. Might I also add I do not know her, so this isn't some crazy she's-my-friend-so-go-vote-for-her bull shit stunt. She is just a great writer that I enjoy reading what she puts out on fanfic. So, do not miss out on it and vote for it if your heart tell you to. I swear you will thank me for reading it…. Oh & did I mention it's complete at 4 chapters? She also has some other great fics to read after that one so what are you waiting for?**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"So, we missed you today," Esme said as she sipped on what had to be her third glass of wine. I snorted over her words even though I didn't doubt her. I knew she would miss me since I had missed her as well.

"I'm sure Tanya put on quite the show for you," I said feeling like liquid as I leaned back into the pillows of my couch while putting my feet on the scratched up coffee table that Edward had gifted me with two years ago.

"I'm sure she would have if she had been there, but since it was just Edward we only had him to deal with and trust me when I say he was enough," she said with a giggle as I looked at her over the top of my glass just as she stood up to get another bottle of wine for us.

"He was alone?" I asked as I choked on my wine causing it to spray all over the battered table top.

"Yeah, shocking huh?" Esme said with a giggle as I looked at her while wiping my mouth off.

"Don't look at me like that, Bella," she said with a half of a laugh as she shook her head at me.

"He's a big boy," she said before taking another gulp of the wine she poured into her glass as I watched her. I knew Esme loved Edward like the son she was never ever able to have even though Edward refused to give her a chance and because I knew this I also was more than aware that she wasn;t being cruel towards him, but it was still hard to hear.

"Does he know about Mike?" she asked me during the lull of conversation.

"He does now," I said as she nodded her head as if she was trying to understand me and Edward, but how could she when I never did.

"That explains a lot about tonight," she said with sigh that hinted at the rough day she had endured because of me.

"Hey, I'm sorry," I said as I looked at her while feeling the sick wave of guilt wash over me since I knew he had to have given her hell.

"Bella, never apologize for living your life because that is what you are supposed to do," she said in a firm tone as she took hold of my hand in hers. It was soft and reminded me of my mom has she held my hand tight with a reassurance that only a mother could give you.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Esme left with the promise that she would be back for lunch and also making me promise no matter what that I would be there for Christmas.

_"It doesn't hurt for him to see you happy, Bella," she encouraged as she hugged me tight before leaving._

She was right, but that didn't stop me from feeling a little guilty about it all. I hated that he was alone, even though the more vindictive side of me like to remind me of all the nights I had been left alone after he promised me not to leave. It was that lingering fury that kept me from answering the phone each and every time Edward called me that night.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Time was a funny thing. I could tell you exactly what my mother was wearing the day she died. It was jeans and an old concert t-shirt. I could also tell you everything about the moment I was told my mother was gone. I could describe the smells in the room or how silent the house was. I could tell you how empty my father's eyes were as he told me that mom was gone. I could tell you everything about that day, but I could not tell you anything about my time after Thanksgiving.

It was a blur of work and school mixed in with phone calls that I avoided along with angry knocks at my door. I had held my own against Edward and while I was far from winning whatever battle of the wills we were engaged in, I could say with pride that I had not caved by welcoming him back. That's not to say I hadn't checked on him since I had. I knew he was back living with Esme and Carlisle. I knew that Tanya was gone, moved on to the next boy she could leech off of, but that was it. Esme assured me that he was fine and I tried to leave at that, even though it was difficult.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The room was dimly lit and smelled of pizza and burning candles, but I didn't care. What I cared about was the feeling of his lips against mine as we kissed.

I could feel Mike's hand skimming under my shirt before settling in the small of my back. They felt like ice against my over heated skin, causing me to shudder in response before he traced the edge of my pants over my hips.

This was as far as we had gone before. We had always skirted with the idea of more, but never took it further. I wasn't sure if I was ready or not even though my body longed for sex. My experience was rather limited with what few college boys I had been with during that first semester at UW, but it was just enough to make me ache for something that I knew I was missing.

"Bella," I heard his low groan as I crawled on top of Mike's lap to straddle him. I could feel him hard and ready beneath me as I grinded hard against him. It was perfect and he was the most imperfect, perfect boy I had ever been this close to. He felt good beneath me, so good that it was almost enough to make me forget who it was that I kissed and held tight.

"Bella, please?" I heard him ask me as I tugged on his blonde hair, pulling him closer since I didn't want to hear his voice, I just wanted his skin.

"Please?" he pleaded for me, asking me almost wordlessly for what he wanted and what I needed from him, but before I could say yes to him we were interrupted by the loud blaring of the sirens and the announcement to evacuate the building.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I waited in the cold, damp December air with Mike hovering close by while the police, fire department and the make shift Forks SWAT team meandered around like lost sheep.

I watched as my neighbors, who consisted of loggers, wave off the police to wander into the bar that was close by while they did whatever it was they were doing.

"You want to go to my house?" Mike asked me in a hopeful tone as He took hold of my hand. I knew he was looking to continue the night in his apartment above his parents' garage, but I was no mood.

"No thanks," I said as I pulled away from him to grab Billy Black, my father's former best friend who was still on the force. His hand was cold against mine as I forced him to stop and face me.

"Billy, what happened?" I asked the older man who seemed startled to see me standing there in the cold, night air.

"Bomb threat," he said as he jerked his thumb towards the empty building as I felt my heart pound in my chest mixed with the burn of fury as only word registered in my mind.

_Edward._

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I drove the quiet streets of Forks like a bat out of hell. Normally, I would be worried about getting a speeding ticket, but since I knew every cop in the twenty mile area was at my apartment building I knew I could drive like a jackass and get away with it.

I pulled into the Cullen driveway with a loud squeal of my tires before slamming on my brakes as I nearly rear ended Edward's old piece of shit Civic. He was there just like I knew he would be. He was too smart to sit back at the scene of the crime and enjoy the chaos he created.

_Asshole._

I shut off the car while struggling to open the door. I was too mad to function properly as I nearly slammed my hand in door as I got out of my car before running up the sidewalk. The Cullen house was bright with Christmas lights and too cheery for me to be there so furious. Its bright Christmas spirit actually almost made me feel guilty for being there to beat Edward's ass. _Almost. _Then I remembered how close I was Mike and how good it would have been if given the chance. Almost wasn't good enough and it was that thought that fueled the fire of fury inside of me that was now a full on raging inferior, causing me to pound on their front door like the man woman I had become.

The door jerked open mid pounding bringing me face to face with a startled looking Carlisle. He looked shocked as I stood there in nothing but my half done blouse that was untucked and my hair tangled from Mike's hands.

"Bella?" he asked me in a worried tone as I stood there, practically frothing at the mouth in front of him.

"Where is he?" I demanded in a growl that made Carlisle look at me as if I had lost my mind, but there was no question about it. I had lost my mind and because of it Edward would pay.

"Where is who?" he asked me as I pushed my way into his home to find the asshole.

"Are you ok?" he called out to me as I stormed down the hallway towards the kitchen since I knew the douche bag would either be in there or up in his room hiding from me like the fucking coward he was.

"Edward!" I yelled as I walked down the hall towards the kitchen with Carlisle following close behind me, sputtering out questions that I refused to answer.

I walked into the large, warm kitchen and found him. He was looking into the fridge for a snack as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I watched as he turned to look at me with a smartass grin that made me growl in response.

"Hey Bella," he said in a casual tone as he pulled out a bag of green grapes as if I had stopped by for a friendly chat instead of my plan to kill him slowly and painfully.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had a date?" he asked me with a wide grin that practically screamed his confession of purposely fucking up my night with Mike. It was that smart ass grin that pushed me over the edge, causing me to lunge at him as he stood before me.

A**N:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"What the hell is going on in here?' I eard Esme yell over Edward's laughter mixed with groans as I pulled at his hair. I had knocked him to ground with my body weight as I struggled to choke him. He was faster and stronger than me, but my rage kept me in the game, making it near impossible for him to hold my arms down. Instead, we struggled on the cool tile floor of his parents' kitchen like the idiots we were. I would move against him and Edward would counter the best he could by holding me down to block my shots the best he could.

"Would you just stop," Edward said with a grunt as I punched him in the eye with more force than what I had intended since I was working to free my arm since he practically had me pinned to the kitchen floor with the weight of his body.

I felt the snap in my hand more than I heard it as my fist connected with his eye. It left me with a blinding pain that radiating from my wrist up, causing me to howl in response, yet it was not enough to break my spirit. I continued to smack at him until Carlisle finally pulled us apart.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Carlisle pulled on me, twisting me free from Edward while I held my wrist and he held his face, but I was still furious. I continued to swat at and kick at him. Very few of my blows landed, except for the one kick that just grazed his junk as my legs were freed. He jumped in shock and what could have been pain, as he rolled away from me with a low groan.

"What the hell is going on?" Esme demanded from me as I held my hand, refusing to let Carlisle look at my hand.

"Your…. Your… Edward called in bomb threat just to wreck my night!" I yelled in anger as waved my hand, causing a flash of pain to settle over me as I jerked my injured hand around.

"You what?" Esme screamed as stepped closer to Edward, who was still lying on the ground, red faced and biting his lip as if he was in pain.

"He called in a bomb threat to wreck my night," I repeated in a low his as shoved Carlisle out of my way to stand over Edward, who was refusing to move.

"You just can't stand to see me happy, can you?" I asked in low hiss of anger as he slowly began to move once more.

"You can't stand for me to have a life, can you?" I demanded in a growl of frustration while Esme and Carlisle looked as I watched him stand up slowly while being met with more of his typical silence.

"I can't move on because you refuse to, does this sound right to you?" I asked him, yet I didn't bother to wait for a response since I knew what his would be.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I sat alone in Carlisle's study while he searched for something to wrap my hand in. I had possibly sprained my wrist in Edward's face and without a doubt had jammed two fingers.

I didn't hurt too badly at the time, but now that the rush of rage was gone and embarrassment was settling in the pain was almost unbearable.

"I thought I was going to have to turn the hose on your or something," Esme said with a snicker as she entered the room with a mug of what appeared to be hot tea.

"That's not funny and I am so sorry for…" I started to say, but she stopped me with a wave of her hands.

"Nothing. You are sorry for nothing. Do you hear me, Bella Swan?" she asked me with a firm tone that reminded me of my mother and that alone made me smile.

"You know I am not one who believes that violence is the answer to _any _problem, but…." She said as she trailed off as she looked out the door way as if she was looking for Carlisle before turning back to me with a wide grin.

"Don't tell me that it didn't feel good or that he didn't have an ass kicking coming his way," she said with a snort as I hung my head in embarrassment once more.

"Hell, I'm surprised you showed such restraint all these years," she continued on as her laughter grew louder just as Carlisle appeared in the door way with an ace bandage and finger splints in hand.

She remained quiet while Carlisle wrapped my injured hand, listening in as he told me to take it easy and that he would be writing me out a few days of work. I watched as Esme slipped out of the room just as I took the pain killers that Carlisle offered me to help take the edge off of the throbbing inside of my wrist.

"Esme is making up the guest room for you," Carlisle said as if her disappearance needed an explanation.

"Thanks," I whispered as I sat there stupidly like I always did when it came to Carlisle. I never knew how to act around him since the man made me nervous no matter how kind he was to me.

"Do you mind if I ask what all that in the kitchen was about?" he asked, breaking the awkward silence with his damning question.

"Edward was just being… Edward," I said with a sigh, knowing that I wasn't making sense, but not giving a damn about it.

"I can see that," he mumbled as he looked at me with a sympathetic smile as if he understood my nonsense.

"Love scares him and that just… breaks my heart," he said in a soft whisper as if he failed Edward somehow.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! A lot of people seem to be asking for an EPOV. Is that something that you all want?**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The house was quiet except for the sound of the wind mixed with rain as it hit the house. The sound of it left me feeling hollow inside as I lay in the dark of what had always been my make shift bedroom for when my father worked late nights or just didn't come home. I was used the sounds and smells, yet I could not sleep.

I found myself slipping out of bed just like I used in years past. I navigated my way through the dark bedroom and out into the dim hallway without every really looking since I knew the path well. I didn't need to see to find him. I knew where he would be and I knew that he would be waiting for me just like always. Some things never change and this whatever it was with Edward was one of those things.

I moved effortlessly down the hallway and stairs, slipping past the kitchen until I felt the cold, draft that always came with entering the Cullen's' sun room. I wasn't sure what I was doing; I just knew I needed to be there.

I was greeted silently with the welcoming gesture of blankets being held open for me as I sat down the couch beside him just like I had done countless times before. His warmth made me shiver against the cold air that surrounded us, while the heavy silence between us caused my stomach to clench with nervous energy that always seemed to follow sitting with Edward Cullen alone in the dark.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Yeah, for now no EPOV… Maybe in a bit, but I think I need to wait on it for a while longer.**

**Now to hop up on my soap box…. I just want to send out my love and prayers to the community in Connecticut that lost so many lives today. **

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	27. Chapter 27

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I sat beside Edward, letting his warm seep into my bones as I remained silent. What was there to say? I had said it all and he had not refuted a thing.

After a long moment of silence I finally sighed and relented.

"How's your face?" I asked him in a quiet voice that seemed distant even to my own ears.

"Deformed," he replied immediately, causing me to roll my eyes at his response.

"So… no damage, huh?" I asked with an evil grin that he could barely see in the dark.

"Whatever, Swan," he muttered as he huffed in response. Edward was known for his vanity so a jab at it always made him mad. I was still snickering as he turned to face me properly, most likely to yell at me, but before he could I noticed his eye. It was swollen and already turning slightly purple with the hints of becoming quiet the shiner.

"Oh Jesus," I gasped in surprise as I brought my hand to cover my mouth in surprised horror over my actions. I had actually hurt him. I never planned on it when I was swinging at him. I was just out of control and looking to hurt him as badly as what he has hurt me over the years. I never planned on leaving a mark, yet as he sat there with his eyes half swollen my mark was clearly all over him.

"I never meant to…" I said as I brought my hand up to his face as he looked at me with surprise.

"Yes, you did and….that's fine Bella," he said with a sigh as I shook my head no even though he was kind of right. I had wanted to hurt him; I just never thought I would.

"Listen…" he began with a sigh as I sat there touching his face, tracing over the swollen outline of his eye while he flinched in response.

"I was there to see you and… I could… I could hear you in there with him," he said in a quiet tone that left me sick as I realized what he was confessing to.

"You listened to me?" I asked him in a harsh whisper as I felt the flames of embarrassment rise up as if they would engulf me.

"I never intended to, but when I got there I was about to pound on your door, when I heard you moan," he said as he looked at me with a dark look that I knew once upon a time. It was that look that made me flush a crimson red as I shoved him hard, covering my embarrassment with anger.

"You had right to be there, Edward," I hissed at him in anger mixed with embarrassment.

"I did too. I missed you and you weren't returning my calls so…" he said as he tried to explain his bullshit behavior, but I would have none of it.

"So it gave you the right to spy on me and then commit a felony by calling in a bomb threat?' I asked him in as I felt him flinch over the truth in my words.

"Bella, you… you shouldn't be just…just giving it up to Mike," Edward said in a nervous tone as I looked at him trying to understand what he was saying to me.

"You deserve better. You deserve a guy who will love you and will… I mean, just not Mike Newton," he tried to explain as I looked at him as if he had lost my mind.

"Are you talking about me having sex with Mike?" I asked him in utter disbelief that he would even utter a breath about my sex life when his was always the one in question, never mine.

"Yes," he confessed in a low whisper as if he hated to do it.

"Your first time should be better than some fuck on a couch with a guy who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as you," he said through gritted teeth as he looked at me with a tight, worried expression that left me wanting to laugh and throw up all at once.

"My first time?" I questioned as I looked at him in shock as he nodded his head slowly as if I was the one who was being ridiculous here, not him.

"Yes, it should be worth more than that," he said while dragging a nervous hand through his messy hair.

"You want to lecture me on how to lose my virginity?" I asked in utter disbelief as he looked at me with wide eyes that made me howl in laughter.

"You, the boy who lost his virginity at the tender age of fifteen while at a party to some girl whom he didn't even know her name while sitting on a toilet seat no less, wants to lecture me on the magic of losing one's virginity?" I mocked while he cringed over my words. What he didn't understand was that he was too late for this lecture.

"Well, aren't you precious thinking I'm a virgin," I cooed mockingly as I watched his eye go wide over my confession.

"But you're too late, Edward, two years, too late to be exact," I said with a laugh while he gawked at me with surprise. I think it was the first time I had ever shocked the boy who left me speechless all the time.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	28. Chapter 28

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"Who?" Edward asked me with disbelief in his voice that burned in my chest.

"What does it matter?" I asked him as he looked at me with a skeptical look.

"Because it does," he said in a firm, smug tone, as if he was calling me out on some lie, but he was wrong and only reminding me once more of the unspoken threat he had placed upon the boys in our graduating class. It was a threat of death if any of them even looked in my direction. It was the most ridiculous thing he had ever done outside of the damn bomb threat that left me homeless for the night.

"Who Bella?" he asked me again with a smart ass grin, as if he was waiting for my confession to a lie that I never told. I enjoyed his smart ass grin for a moment, knowing that I was about to wipe it off his face.

"Jasper Whitlock," I confessed as I watched his face pale as I spoke the name of his best friend from high school. The lack of color in his face only seemed to make his eye look worse as he stared at me slack jawed in surprise.

"He would never, ever…" Edward sputtered in anger as I nodded my head yes.

"But he did…We did," I said firmly as I thought back to the shy, handsome blonde boy who kissed me to the point of being breathless while whispering in my ear how pretty he thought I was whenever Edward couldn't hear him. Jasper wasn't perfect, but he was the closest thing I had to being mine back then. I could hear his soft whispers now as I sat by Edward who was stunned into silence.

"Besides, it shouldn't matter to you. You didn't want me, remember? He did, so what? You made your opinion very clear, Edward," I said firmly as I watched dark emotions flicker through his eyes as I reminded him of a conversation held in the dark of my old bedroom.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	29. Chapter 29

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"When did this happen?" Edward asked through gritted teeth as he looked at me with icy green eyes. I knew that look. He was hurt, but he had no reason to be hurt. He didn't want me. He told me so.

"Two years ago. Senior year," I replied with a shrug, downplaying what happened even though that was wrong. Jasper was a good guy who thought he loved me, it was me who knew I didn't love him. It was me who took his kindness and went with it. It was me who accepted his kisses and welcomed him even though I knew I felt nothing in my heart for him beyond lust.

Edward remained silent, letting my confession settle over him as we both sat in the dark. He seemed so far away from me even though he was just was right there.

"I _never_ said I didn't want you. I _said _I couldn't lose you. There's a difference, Bella," he whispered to me in low tone as he looked over the tall glass windows that filled the room around us.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I will post more later… First, I have to go to daughter#3's Christmas program for school.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	30. Chapter 30

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

_ "I never said I didn't want you. I said I couldn't lose you. There's a difference, Bella," he whispered to me._

His words infuriated me since he was a liar. He may never have said it, but it was clearly implied with each girl he brought around me after the brief summer we had together. He never held my hand again. He never sat too close again. He always was on his guard, keeping space and distance between us in the form of other girls while I sat there wondering what the hell had happened between us.

The more I thought about his fucking epic lie that he believed so whole heartedly, the more irate I became until I was out of the dark room seeking him out since he had once more left me in the dark to deal with the fall out of his poorly chosen words.

I stalked down the silent hallway that led to his room, knowing that he would be in there since there was nowhere else to hide in this house.

I approached his door without another thought I knocked loudly, not caring that his father and Esme were close by. They wouldn't care. They were used to our fighting. They were used to the push and pull that was Edward and I together, even though being together was the last way I would describe Edward and me.

The door jerked open, leaving me facing Edward who stood there with a dark look on his face that hinted at desperation. I had seen that look before, but before I could speak or even back away, I felt his hands close over my forearm and drag me inside while slamming the door behind me. There was no time to yell or even breathe before I was pressed hard against the cold wall next to the door with Edward's demanding lips pressed against mine in a kiss that as far from sweet and tasted bitter with anger.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**For those who asked the Christmas program was great! Baby#3 did great and so did her whole class….**

**I have their past written, but it doesn't really fit in the flow of the story so I will be posting it as a free standing one shot... I will let you know once it is up for those that might be interested in reading it.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	31. Chapter 31

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

His lips burned against mine as his body pinned me against the wall with the weight of his body. He was heavy and muscular against my smaller frame as he held me there as if I would bolt the moment he moved away from him.

This was different than the kisses we had shared five years ago, but that only made sense so much had changed in the past years. He wasn't the same boy who I thought hung the moon and I was far from the timid girl fifteen year old girl who looked at him with stars in my eyes. We were older and more experienced not only with the act of kissing, but how badly we could hurt each other.

Edward's hands moved slowly from my arms, trailing upward, until they were slowly tangling in my hair just as the bitter kiss we shared became unbearably sweet. It was too sweet, too much and too everything as his touch became feather light and soft as silk. I found myself trying to press closer to him while Edward hovered all around me while deepening our kiss by opening his mouth beneath mine. It was that sensation of his tongue against his that caused me to gasp into his mouth as my hand tugged on his hair wildly causing him to moan for me.

It was that soft moan that startled me. It pulled me back to reality and the reality was a cold one that left me shivering in his arms while my mind screamed at me.

_What the hell are you doing?_

I pulled away from Edward, breaking our kiss abruptly while making his gasp in surprise as we stood there before each other with no space between us. His eyes were dark and haunted as he looked at me with w, kiss swollen lips. He looked rumpled and lusty with wild eyes that hinted at a smugness inside of him that made me rage with anger once more. This wasn't supposed to be this way and he knew it.

Without another word, since what was there to say after a kiss like that? I found myself shoving Edward out of the way and stumbled out of his room back into the dark, empty hallway just to get away from him.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	32. Chapter 32

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I slipped out the Cullen out just as the sun rose. I needed out of oppressive feel that settled over me as I sat in the guest room avoiding Edward. I knew he was close. I could feel him. It was him that kept me from sleeping. It was the burn of his lips against mine and the sting of his harsh kiss that was so sweet in the end that it made me want to cry.

I had barely made it out in to the cold, damp air to take a breath before I was pulled back in.

"Where are you going?" Edward asked me as I felt his hand come to rest heavy on my arm like an anchor holding me in place.

"I just need to…." I said as I looked at him with a guilty look. He knew me well enough to know that I was running away from him. I had done it before and here I was doing it again.

"Bella, I just want to talk," Edward said with a warm grin that was meant to sway me, but it was hallow.

"There's nothing to talk about. You can't tell me what to do," I said as I looked at him. He was standing there in a t-shirt and his boxers. His hair was standing on end and his eyes were blurry from sleep. Just seeing that he was able to sleep added to my irrational anger over the fact he could sleep while I was torn up inside over him once more.

"You can't just kiss me and expect that everything will go back to normal," I growled at him as I jerked my arm free.

"I'm not yours and you have _never_ been mine so just let it go," I growled as I stepped away from him, slipping on the ice that laced the ground around me.

"You just can't…" I said as I walked away, leaving him standing there watching me leave him behind just as he had with me so many other times before.

A**N:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	33. Chapter 33

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I slipped out of the Cullen house just as dawn broke. I could not stand to be there for one more moment. I could feel him close by. He was hovering and I hated that since this was how he would always display his guilt. He didn't know any other way because he never tried.

The house was silent and dark as I pulled out of their drive way and back on the road. I glanced back at the house in my rear view mirror and was surprised to find Edward standing there as if I had just missed him. I counted myself lucky and sick all at once, flooding me with hope and dread as I looked away. All the thoughts that consumed me was all the times I had wanted him to chase me, practically begged him to chase me, yet he never did until now.

I had barely made it to my building when my phone buzzed with an incoming message. It was Edward. It was always Edward.

_Don't run away from me._

His words made me laugh as I realized that for the first time I was the one who left him behind. It was a minor victory since I was always the one watching him go, but a victory all the same, no matter how hollow it felt inside.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I hope you all had a nice holiday... I did : )**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	34. Chapter 34

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"So, Bella," Mike said as he pulled my attention back to him as he squeezed me tighter towards him as he spoke. He was happy and in return wanted me to be happy as well. He was making his return to UW next semester with the blessing of his mother and now the pressure was on me.

"What do you think?" he asked me as I stared over to the boy in the booth who watched us with a scowl on his face that made him older than his twenty years.

"Bella would love to go," Angela said with a smile that was almost forced with anger, answering for me, that I would love go with Mike to Seattle for a trip to campus. I wasn't sure if I would love to go or not. I liked Mike and I enjoyed our time together, but the idea of a weekend with him put me in position I wasn't sure I was ready for with a boy who was more than eager.

I smiled weakly before excusing myself just to get away from Angela's glare and Mike's anxious smile. I had barely made it down the hallway of the diner towards the ladies' room before I felt him behind me. It was the nervous energy that always filled the air causing it to sizzle and snap around me, announcing his presence. I turned to face him, expecting his anger and cold attitude; instead I was greeted with his cool indifference. It was a lie and that seeing him lie like that made me want to laugh since Edward never lied to me. He saved his lies for the women he fucked and the girls who chased him, but never me. It was the one promise that he made to me that he had never broken until that moment.

"You wanna get out of here?" he asked me in a calm tone as he motioned towards the door behind me at the end of the hall that called to me with its freedom away from the pressure filled situation I had walked away from.

I looked into his green eyes that were clear and confident, while being so green that I wanted to get lost in them. This was the Edward I knew too well; the one who rescued me when I needed it, even when it was him that I needed rescuing from. This was the Edward I was all too familiar with, the one with an escape plan for any situation that came his way and who in this case, came up with an escape plan for me as well.

I glanced over this shoulder towards the booth I had just left behind. I could see Angela who was cuddled up next to Ben talking excitedly with Mike, making plans and promises for me that I wasn't sure I would be able to keep. Just the thought of it made it hard for me to breathe with nerves that turned my stomach.

"Sure," I said as I nodded my head in agreement while giving him a look of gratitude that Edward shrugged off before turning to slip out the back door like a thief in the night.

**AN: **

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**Mamasutra**


	35. Chapter 35

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The car was silent as we sat together in the darkness of the diner parking lot. Edward remained quiet and unmoving as we sat there.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked me in a quiet voice as I sat there watching Mike as he sat there, waiting for me, not knowing that I had walked out on him and our night out.

"Anywhere, but here," I sighed as I turned away from the happy boy that I had left behind.

"Alright," Edward said in a soft whisper as he looked away from me and towards the boy left sitting in the booth waiting for my return before starting his car to drive us off into the night.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	36. Chapter 36

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward drove in silence that seemed to swallow us both. I shouldn't have left Mike like that, but the moment was too much, I was too mad and too out of my element to stay.

It was with a guilt filled heart that I pulled out my phone to text him.

_Sorry I left. Got sick in the bathroom and just went home. _

"Who are you texting?" Edward asked in a quiet tone, but I could hear the irritation seeping through it.

"Mike," I said simply as I watched my glowing screen for his response.

"You don't owe him an explanation," he went on to grumble as I rolled my eyes over his unfounded anger.

"I do. I walked out on him and that was a…" I started to say, but Edward cut me off.

"The right thing to do," he finished for me as he turned down a dirt road that I was more than familiar with.

"Cold hearted bitch thing to do and you know it," I said strongly as he snorted in response.

"He was pushing you into something that you didn't want," he countered back as I shook my head no. Mike wasn't really the one pushing me, that was Angela.

"No, he wasn't," I said as I watched Edward's profile. He was smirking like an asshole as if he knew it all, but he was wrong. I did want out of this town. I did want to move on and live without the shadow of parents I had lost and a boy who refused to change. I opened my mouth to tell him this when my screen lit up with a response.

_Are you ok? Do you need me to come over? I will…_

"Aw… He believes your lie," Edward mocked as he took a corner hard, showing his anger while riling mine.

"He should. I learned to lie from the best damn liar in town," I growled at him, earning a mocking laugh as he pulled over, stopping the car in the parking lot across the street from my building.

"You think you know everything, but you're wrong," Edward said as I laughed in response while typing out another message to Mike.

_No, please don't. Enjoy your night off and I will call you later, I promise._

"Really? How?" I asked him as he shifted in his seat to look me.

"You lie to everyone, Edward. Your dad and Esme, the stupid whores you fucks, and now me…But the biggest lies are the ones tell you yourself," I said harshly and then watched with sick satisfaction as he grimaced over my words as they hit him.

"It's pathetic really," I began in a hiss of anger, as I opened his car door and got out before slamming it in his face, not that it mattered since he quickly followed me_ ._

"_I'm _pathetic?" Edward mocked as he ran to catch up to me while stomped to my door. I didn't want to have this fight with him. It was a fight I wouldn't win.

"Yes, you," I mocked as I pulled out my keys as I approached the door.

"You push everything away from you since you are so fucking scared to let someone in. You lie and cheat. You bully and force your way until there is no one left beside you," I practically screamed at him as I unlocked my door with shaking hands, letting him know I was well aware of his tactics.

"You do it all and then cry about being the boy left alone. You seem to forget that everything that happens, you bring upon yourself with every bad decision you make," I yelled as I finally opened the door and stepped into my apartment with snort of satisfaction that the ugly truth was out. I walked inside, tossing my keys on the table by the door while not bothering to shut it since I knew he would. Edward was never one to walk away from a fight and this one was long overdue.

"You use women and then act surprised when they leave you. Better yet, you act shocked when one of your bimbos believe the lies you tell and fall in love you so you have to run away like the coward you are," I said with a humorless laugh as he watched me fire in his eyes.

"But that one I understand, since how can you love someone when you refuse to love yourself?" I asked with a snort of laughter that was painful with its ugly truth of what I had said.

I waited for his stinging words, calling me out on the flaws that I made me less than lovable and far from human with the baggage that I carried, but the words never came. Instead, I found myself pressed against his hard frame while Edward's fingers tangled in my hair, holding my head while pulling me close to him. I opened my mouth to protest, but was silenced by his heated kiss.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! **

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	37. Chapter 37

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward's lips moved against mine while he held my face in the palm of his hands while pulling at my hair in the most delicious way possible. This was different than other kisses we had shared. There was the rage that was always present between Edward and me, but there was an underlying sweetness that taunted me into kissing him back.

Edward ended our kiss by pulling away from my lips, yet he held me close, pressing his forehead against mine while looking into my eyes. He was so close that looking at him almost made me cross eyed, yet I could not look away. His eyes were dark and dangerous looking as he looked at me as if I was his prey in that moment. It enraged and thrilled me all at once as I watched him lick his lips, knowing that he was still tasting me on his kiss swollen lips.

"You are cruel and calculating with the way you treat others as well as me. Always looking out for what's best for Bella while crying like a fucking martyr," he whispered in a throaty voice that was thick with anger and what could be hunger, but there was no time for me to notice them since I was blindsided by the truth he whispered to me so seductively.

"You are manipulative to the point of being disturbed and the best damn liar I know, which is saying something," he whispered with a slight laugh that was hollow against my lips, letting me feel the vibrations of his words against my lips as I gasped in surprise over the hurt that followed them.

"You have to win at all costs. No matter what it costs you or me for that fucking matter," he growled at me as he held me tighter against him as if he could overcome my need to be victorious at everything.

"But what gets me the most, my sweet, sweet Bella," he cooed to me with a clipped tone as he held my face, forcing me to look at him as he pointed out every flaw I had.

"The fact that you are a damn fool," he said with a mocking smile as he let go of one side of my face, tracing his fingers along my jaw and down my neck as I swallowed nervously. His fingers dipped beneath my shirt collar, lingering as they slipped between my breasts to where my heart was beating wildly against my ribs to grasp the silver chain and medallion that I had worn for years.

"Saint Jude," Edward mocked almost breathlessly as he held my necklace between his fingers while still cupping my cheek with one hand so I could not look away, not that I could. His eyes were dark and mesmerizing; I could not look away from them as he pointed out flaw after flaw that made me who I was.

"The patron saint of lost causes," he said as he let go of my medallion, letting it fall with a thud against my heart.

"Very fitting for my sweet, little martyr," he murmured in such a manner that it made me shiver against him as he slanted his head against mine just enough to press a kiss against the corner of my mouth.

"Always looking for a hopeless case or the lost cause to chase after," he whispered with a mocking laugh that was seductive and cruel as he pressed himself closer to me.

I wanted to be anger over his accusation, but it was somewhat pointless because they were the only the truth. He was only telling me what I knew to be true and tried to hide, but the truth of his words weren't enough to stifle my anger. Years of repressing this rage would not allow me to remain quiet.

"The lost cause is the only one worth fighting," I whispered against his lips, tasting the sweetness that was Edward while speaking the truth for the first time in years to a boy who refused to hear me.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	38. Chapter 38

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward's lips moved against mine tenderly. I had forgotten how soft they were and how much it felt like you were the center of his universe when he kissed me like that.

It reminded me of kisses we shared years ago in the back of his car; kisses that whispered of promise to come and warmed me from soul outward. Kisses that I still dreamed of and hated since I knew he was giving them to another girl.

"Tell me stop, Bella," he whispered against my lips in-between kisses as we stood awkwardly pressed together in the middle of my small front room.

Just hearing him whisper these words to me took me back to being seventeen and in the back of his car, straddling his lap as he kissed me as if he could not get enough of me.

"_Tell me to stop, Bella" he whispered almost teasingly as he held me close to him in the cramp space of his car. He didn't want to stop and he knew I would never tell him no. Our heavy breathing fogging the windows as my hands tangled in his hair, pulling him in the direction I wanted him, which was everywhere._

_I moaned into his mouth as I felt his strong hands slip under my shirt, spreading over the skin of my back before sliding over my belly and the upward, pulling my shirt off in the process._

_I watched as Edward's hands went to my breasts, pausing for the space of a heart beat to feel the hard beating of my heart against my ribs before cupping my breasts in his hands. His eyes were dark and shined in the moonlight that flooded the car. He was beautiful like this; wild and needy. It was that look that caused that coil of nerves in my belly ache with anticipation for something that I had no idea about. It would leave me breathless and I loved that feeling as much as I loved the boy who made me that crazy for him._

"_Tell me your mine," I whispered to him, asking him my demanding questions even though I knew the answer. I watched as his gaze left my breasts to meet my eyes. There were dark and serious as he met my gaze._

"_Always yours. There could never be another," he said with such confidence as if he truly believed in what he was promising me._

"Tell me no" he pleaded against my skin in between nips of my flesh that made me gasp with the pain pleasure sensation he was creating inside of me. It was those damning feelings that brought me back to the present as he pulled my hair harder as if to make me react. There was no reaction to give him. I wanted him. It was sick and twisted, but that was us. That was who we had become in the mess we had created between us.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	39. Chapter 39

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward's lips were soft and teasing as he moved his kisses along my jaw while holding my head in place. His fingers pulled at my hair, twisting and turning me harshly while his lips caressed my skin.

It was a contrast in sensations as he held me so tight that he pulled my hair to the point of being painful while his lips felt like silk on my skin. I felt his soft kisses move along until he placed a chaste kiss on my cheek as he slowly eased his hold me, yet never really letting go.

"I've played your game, Bella," he whispered to me in a voice that was ragged with emotion and need, but I could not get beyond the accusation in his tone. He was blaming me for this mess that we were.

"I've played your game and fucking lost because your insane need to win at all cost," he whispered in a gravelly voice that was laced with anger. Just the sound of him like that angry and on the verge of a break down that made the needy ache in my belly flare painfully.

"You never wanted me," I hissed with self righteousness, telling him what cut me the deepest while reminding him of how he walked away from me when I needed him.

My words and anger caused him to laugh in a maniacal way that made me shiver against him. It was the laugh of a man on the edge, yet I would continue to push him. I slid my hands along his board shoulders, feeling the ripple of hard muscle as I allowed one hand to trace over the curve of his neck until I was cupping his cheek. My touch took him by surprise with its tenderness after such bitter words of anger that I had spewed. I could see the lingering surprise in his fury bright eyes, but it wasn't that look that left me breathless as I looked in his eyes. It was the wounded look mixed with jealousy and want that took my breath away.

"I told you. It's always been you. It will always _be_ you. You just refuse to believe me. You _refuse _to give me a chance to show you how good it can be," he growled in anger before silencing my response with his lips.

_You had your chance, Edward._

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading & HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

**I want to thank you for all the kindness and support you have given me during 2012. It has made my year and life so much sweeter. I hope you still stick with me in 2013. I also pray that your new year is blessed beyond measure.**

**For those interested that have not found it I have posted a prequel to The Art of Letting Go entitled The History of Letting Go. It takes you to where it all began with Edward and Bella, what lead them to being who they are now. It will short, maybe 7 chapter? Anyway, come check it out if you are interested.**

**XOXO**

**Mamasutra**


	40. Chapter 40

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Love.

He would never say that he loved me, even though that was all I wanted hear. I craved it. I dreamed of it. I needed it, but he refused say it and I understood why even though it would always cut me to the quick since he had said once before.

I looked into his eyes, the ones I knew all too well, and I could see the real him. The one that was scared and made stupid choices in order to protect him or worse yet, protect me from whatever bullshit threat he could imagine. It was also in the depth of his green eyes that I could see the boy I loved. The boy who picked me up in the rain and kissed me good night. The same boy who once told me in the dim light of a hospital room that he would never love me if it mean that he could be with me forever. It was stupid reasoning and one that ultimately pulled us apart, but not now. Not when he was so close that it made my heart race at an aching speed that caused my head to spin.

Slowly, so painfully slowly, his lips met mine. He tasted of coffee and the promises that he never kept. He was exactly how I remembered him with his soft lips and velvety tongue, except only better.

I wanted to tell him to go to hell, but the truth was this was hell in its sweetest form.

**AN:**

**Thank you for reading! More to come tonight! **

**Hope you have enjoyed a relaxing New Years Day!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	41. Chapter 41

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

My hands tangled with his as we struggled against our clothes while stumbling down the narrow hallway to my single bedroom. His lips were firm and demanding as his tongue teased my flesh, nipping at my neck while soothing the pain he caused with the lick of his tongue. His hands guided my hips as he walked us blindly down the hall while I stumbled under his guidance. I was used to this with him, the feeling of the blind leading the blind. It was us and added a comforting feeling to the chaos that was building with each kiss we shared.

Once in the bed room we collapsed on the bed in a tangle of arms in legs. We had done this before, even though it had been years. Edward's weight pinned me to the bed in the most delicious way possible as he pulled at my shirt until I was left lying there clad in my lace bra and jeans. His eyes roamed over my skin, taking in every change, every alteration, every scar and I wondered for a split second if he was still seeing me broken as he once did, but before I could sober enough from his kisses to stop his stare, Edward lowered his head to place warm kisses in the tops of my lace covered breasts. It was a save on his part and one that made my heart sore and sink all at once.

I wanted for his whispers of how pretty I was or how much he wanted me, but Edward wasn't the typical guy and this was not the everyday hook up.

"Bella," he murmured against my skin in a whispered awe that brought tears to my eyes with its surprisingly tender plea to me. I could almost feel him pleading with me to let him in, to give in to him as he had always wanted, and how I had always denied after his ridiculous declaration of never loving me.

I felt his hand creep along my skin, slipping under my back to unhook my bra with ease. I tried not to think about the practice he has had at that movement to execute it so perfectly and instead focused on how good he felt above me.

We pushed and pulled against each other, fighting to free each other of our clothes until there was nothing between us except the cold winter air that filled my drafty apartment. I wanted to look at him. I wanted to see the changes that time had brought. I wanted to see his board shoulders and his narrow waist. I wanted to trace the lines of his muscles and taste the salt of his skin. I wanted to know his body again and listen to the symphony of moans that I knew I could draw out of this boy, but I couldn't get beyond his eyes.

They were too green, too clear, and too open to me. I was used to his guarded stare, his nervous smile, and his worried look, but there was none of that here on my bed between us. There was only a scorching heat and an intense hunger that caused the ache in my belly to intensify as he looked at me as I was everything in the world to him.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	42. Chapter 42

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

My body arched beneath his, following his touch as his fingers trailed over my skin following a pattern that made no sense, yet made perfect sense as he touched me. I watched his hand move, but he didn't. Instead, his gaze remained locked on my face. It should have made me sick with nerves, yet it was what I needed. I craved his stare since it had been so long since he had looked at me that way with and his hungry eyes only added fuel to the fire inside of me.

Soon his lips followed his touch, teasing me, licking my flesh, causing me to gasp as his teeth grazed my nipple before pressing a soft kiss against the star shaped birthmark on the soft underside of my left breast that he had always loved. He used to tell me that it was that mark that told him that I was his since he had a birthmark that was similar on his chest near his heart. I used to believe him when he lied to me like that.

"Stop," I whispered into his hair as I pulled it, trying to make him stop this tender kiss that made me feel empty inside with the rage I had over him and his irrational idea of what was best for me.

_"I can't love you, because I'll lose you, Bella" he whispered to me as he held my hand against the rough sheet hospital sheet. His green eyes were blood shot as if he hadn't slept in days._

_ "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I growled at him in a weak voice of anger as I jerked my hand free of his, pulling at the wires attached to me in the process._

My whispered plea for him to stop the kiss, only seem to spur him on further fanny the fires of his rage. Edward shifted above me, kissing me hard, nipping at my lips with sharp teeth while his hand gripped my breast painfully tight, and using his rough touch as a reminder to me that I was his. As if I could ever forget that simple truth and as much as I hated it; as much as I tried not to be by replacing him with other boys who never compared, I could not deny it.

A**N:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Life is almost back to normal at my house so I am excited by that fact alone.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	43. Chapter 43

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Ache.

I had always ached for this boy, but this was different type of ache. It was one that radiated from the pit of my being and swallowed me whole as I lay there spread eagle beneath him. I could not breathe as his slid his cock along me, covering him in my wetness, teasing me while rubbing against my clit as I clawed at him in response.

We had never been this far. We had never been this close. In the long ago, yet not forgotten, past we had never been this exposed to each other. I wanted him and he knew it. He knew how I ached for him. I could see it in the pleased expression as his eyes darted from watching were we could be joined to my eyes, yet there was more to his lingering gaze. He was asking permission to be with me and that left me sputtering in response since Edward Cullen rarely ever asked permission for anything, especially from me.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Sorry about cutting this one short.. got caught up in something else…**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	44. Chapter 44

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Hands clasped tight, pressed into the mattress since Edward's weight was balanced on his muscular arms. I wanted to touch him and my whine of protest in his ear was answered with a kiss to silence me as I felt him push into me.

This was the moment I had wanted. I wanted him this close and as he eased inside of me slowly, as if I was still the virgin he once thought I was, I could not stop the gasp of surprise that was too loud in the silence of my bed room. His eyes darted to mine once more, always watching to make sure I was fine and I was even though knowing him like this might be the death of me.

Edward moved slowly as I closed my eyes, letting myself enjoy the pinch and sting of him inside of me. The push and pull of his love was too much and left me breathless as I clung to him, giving him little space to move against me, not that he tried. He wanted to be that close too. I could feel it in his tight hold and his crushing weight.

"Open your eyes," he whispered breathlessly in my ear in such a painful tone that it made my heart ache as he stopped moving inside of me.

"Please," he whispered thickly as I clawed at his shoulders, urging him to move as I shifted beneath him, trying to roll my hips up into his to make him move, but he just pushed me deeper into the mattress.

"I'm not moving until you open your eyes," he growled with a hint of anger as he rocked his hips into me, giving me a slight taste of the friction I craved as the encouragement to do as he wanted.

I opened my eyes to find his nearly dilated with pleasure as he hovered above me so close that we were breathing the same air. He was red faced and kind of dazed looking, but still the most beautiful man I had ever seen.

Once I held his gaze, he moved, pulling back as we both hissed in unison only to groan as he abruptly pushed back in hard and fast. It was too much and not enough all at once as fought against him to free my hands. I needed to touch him as he moved against me. I ran my hands over his back, feeling his muscles move as he took me, while never looking away from his face. I pulled at his hair, kissing his mouth that open in what could have been shock or pleasure as he increased the speed of his thrust, all the while never closing my eyes, and never looking away. I wrapped my legs around his narrow waist, pushing against his pull, meeting his downward thrust with the hard upward motion of my hips as he moaned my name in prayer and in warning that he was close. I pushed, and clawed. I kissed and held him close as I lost myself to blinding rush of pleasure as it raced through my veins. I was still trembling from the force of my own release as I held him close, wrapping my legs and arms around him as he shook above me with the force of his orgasm. I found myself blissful as I kissed my sputtered name on his lips that tasted so sweet as he gave me everything he had.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	45. Chapter 45

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

We were still tangled together on the top of my bed while Edward traced patterns upon my skin. He was warm against me and oddly silent. It was the silence that was killed me.

His hands trailed over my skin as he pinned to the bed, causing goose bumps to break out over my arm in the wake of his finger tips.

"You cold?" he asked me in a hoarse whisper that made my heart clench in my chest. I wasn't really cold, yet a chill was setting over my skin as I lay beneath him. I whispered no, but Edward ignored me. Instead, he moved, pulling out of me, causing us both to groan from the loss of connection before lifting me up in his arms to pull the blankets on the bed down so that he could place me on my soft sheets beneath. The blankets were quickly replaced along with him holding me so that we were skin to skin still.

It should have been uncomfortable to lay with him like that. It should have left me nervous, yet I wasn't. As I lay on his arms, listening to his heart beat against my ear as I rested my head on his chest, I felt nothing but right.

I looked up at him and found him watching me with his wide green eyes that were dark and half closed with lazy satisfaction. I wanted to be angry over that smug, overly pleased look that he wore, but I couldn't since I felt too. I felt the warm glow of completion that followed the bliss that came from being that close to him.

I felt his hand trail upward over my arm until he was cupping my cheek with his hand as he watched me with a half smile that made me want to smile back. His hair stood on end from my hands in it, pulling it in whatever direction I wanted him to go and his cheeks were still pink from sex. He was adorable and in the moment he was completely mine.

"You're so pretty," he whispered with a sleepy grin of contentment that made me smile like silly in response to his compliment even though I could not think of a day that had passed that Edward did not tell me that I was pretty, yet this was different. I felt the difference in his words wash over me. It was more than just a compliment given, it was words spoke from his heart and I could feel them wash over my skin as I pulled him closer to me. I watched his smile grow wider with delight while I pressed closer to him to meet his soft kiss.

**AN:  
Thanks for reading! **

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**Mamasutra**


	46. Chapter 46

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I awoke to silence and a cold bed. Edward was gone and while part of me expected it, the other part, the more hopeful part that wore her heart on her sleeve, was hurt by his absence. I had told myself that it would be different, that I would be different to him, but his lack of being spoke loud and clear over what his reaction to us together.

I rolled out of bed slowly, feeling the ache in places that I wasn't used to since I rarely had a man in my bed. It was the ache that only made the sick feeling in my stomach increase as I remembered that I had wanted this, I had agreed to it happily and now I would pay for it.

I slipped on a t-shirt and the panties I found on my floor before walking out into the front room, stepping over clothes discarded last night in my haste to be skin to skin with him. Just seeing them lying there alone made me feel sick as I wondered how fast Edward dressed and scurried out of here before I woke up. My imagination roared to life as I pictured him stumbling over my shoes as he tugged on his pants before leaving without his shoes tied. I could see it plain as day as I stood in the middle of my empty front room, envisioning his escape while wondering how many other times he had made the desperate escape like he had from me.

I was focused on how he left me without a note of explanation or a sound to wake me when my front door flung open, banging against the wall behind it with a loud clang. I jumped in fear while letting a scream escape my mouth before my hand clapped over my lips to silence myself as I watched Edward, red faced from the cold and a black beanie covering his sleep wild hair, shove a beat up evergreen into my apartment while trying to balance a bag that balanced off his wrist. He looked frazzled as he struggled with the tree until it was inside the apartment while he looked on with a victorious look on his handsome face.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked him as he looked at me with an almost guilty expression as we stared at each other across the small space between us.

"I…I went out to get breakfast for you," he said with a sheepish look as he let the tree go and we both watched it slide down the wall until it was lying on its side. He grabbed at the bag that dangled off his wrist and pulled out a Styrofoam box that I knew contained cinnamon rolls from the bakery close by without seeing them as their yeasty sweet scent mixed with the evergreen in the air between us.

"I noticed that you didn't have a Christmas tree," he said softly as he looked at me with a nervous look that made him look sweet, too sweet to be the boy I thought I knew.

"So, I saw this one at the lot on the corner," he said as he jerked his thumb in the direction of the Christmas tree lot that was close by. I knew it all too well. I had been meaning to get one, but hadn't stopped yet.

"I thought maybe…" he continued on as he motioned towards the sad looking tree that was laying on its side along the wall in-between us. He looked jumpy as he waited for my response to his unexpected gift.

"It's perfect," I whispered as I looked from the sad little tree to the greenest eyes I had ever seen and smiled a soft grin of thanks before crossing the small space that separated us to pull him down for a kiss that I had missed when I woke up without him.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	47. Chapter 47

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The awkwardness of the morning melted into comfort as we ate the rolls in-between setting up a Christmas tree. It was almost too easy to be with Edward. It was as if nothing had ever happened and that was odd since too much had happened for us to ever be this content together.

I would feel his eyes on me, watching me we as strung lights on the tree together. They were dark with questions and heavy from the mask of indifference that he had firmly in place.

"You're staring at me," I whispered to him as I felt him creep up behind. His hands were soon on my hips, pulling me back against him just as the tree was deemed complete.

"I can't help it. You're beautiful," he whispered against my ear, making me shudder as he wrapped his arms around me to hold me tight to him.

"No, I'm not," I whispered to him as I shook my head as I came to rest against his shoulder.

"You are and I've always thought that," he whispered to me as I found myself melting against him and into his warmth.

"But you never believe a word I say or give me time to explain what I mean," he said softly with a hint of sadness before pressing a kiss against my cheek. His words made me think about our past and us. He was right. I had never believed him and there was never time for him explain since what was there to explain to me? I knew him and because of it there was nothing to explain.

"What are we doing here, Edward?" I asked him and for a second I felt him stiffen against me as if my question had caught him off guard somehow, yet he had to know that I would question him and us together.

"What should have been done years ago," he replied with a hint of a smile that made me want to question him and his cryptic response, but before I could I was silenced by his lips on my neck nipping at my skin until I was gasping and pulling at him in response.

A**N:**

**Thanks for reading! Thank to those who have reviewed! I am horrible about replying, but please know I have read your words and they have brightened my day. **

**For those interested I am thinking maybe 5-7 chapters until the end.**

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	48. Chapter 48

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

It was an easy truce between us as we tried to navigate whatever it was we had become. We were far from boy friend/girlfriend, yet I welcomed Edward into my bed with open arms and heated kisses each night. We weren't exactly friends since there had always been something more between us, even after Edward refused us when we were seventeen. We were more than just Edward and Bella, but what we were I had no idea and was almost too scared to ask him what he saw us being together.

It did not matter that we had no title and claim to each as Edward would spend most nights with me except for two, Tuesday and Thursday. I wasn't sure what he was doing on those nights, and to be honest I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. It was easy not think of all the things he could doing.

It was on a Tuesday night that I found myself ready to walk home alone. I had promised Edward that I would drive, but it seemed so senseless when the diner was close and parking was a premium in a town with so little of parking. I glanced out over the down pour that had just started, wishing like hell that Edward would appear out of nowhere like he had in the past to drive me home. I missed his warmth and standing on the edge of the awning, feeling the icy rain as it sheeted the pavement before me only made me long for Edward even more.

"Bella?" I heard a voice call out to me over the sound of the rain, but it wasn't the voice I wanted. I turned to find Mike standing there with an uncertain look on his face. It was that questioning look that brought on my guilt. I had never returned his calls from the night I left him to go with Edward and ignored his calls in the weeks afterwards. I was too wrapped in the boy who was trying so hard to be whatever it was that I needed.

"Hey Mike," I said as I felt my own smile fade a little as I faced him. We stood before each other awkwardly and it made me feel sick.

"I was worried about you," he confessed in a soft whisper that I almost missed over the sound of the rain around us.

"I'm sorry. I just got…" I said trailing off as I realized I wasn't sure what to say and telling him that I go what I had always wanted seemed wrong. Mike ignored my silent answer as he nodded in response.

"What do you I give you a ride home?" he asked me as he motioned towards his car that was parked nearby. It would be a short run through the harsh rain to his car verses a long walk home in the down pour. It was an easy decision even though it left me feeling uncomfortable about it.

"Sure," I managed to say while smiling bright and fake for him.

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	49. Chapter 49

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The car was silent as Mike navigated through the rain towards my building.

"So, what happened the other night?" he asked me in a forward manner that made me appreciate him. With Mike there was no second guessing. He was kind and honest. He told you what he thought and there was no guessing with him unlike Edward, where everything was a guess.

"I felt sick," I said as a wave of guilt washed over me. I didn't regret my time with Edward, but I did not like the fact that it would hurt Mike to know it.

"Oh," he said as if my lie explained everything.

"I was wondering if we're still on for Seattle?" he asked me, sounding nervous for the first time in a long time. He had right to be nervous since in a twisted way I was someone else's girl now and a weekend away could end with his nose broken if Edward was as prone to overreaction as what I had known him to be.

"I don't know…" I trailed off as I looked out at my building. It was almost nine. Edward would be here soon and I found myself wanting him here to deal with Mike since I couldn't seem to be able to.

"Just think about it and let me know," Mike said with a half smile that used to warm my heart, but now only left me cold and guilty.

**AN:**

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	50. Chapter 50

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I sat at the table drinking my cup of tea while kicking myself for not just coming out and saying no to Mike when the door opened. Edward walked in, tossed his book bag down, and immediately kissed me. His lips were cold and tasted of coffee as he cupped my face with icy fingers that caused me to shiver against him.

Slowly, he ended our kiss only to smile at me like a deranged fool. He was too handsome when he was like this and seeing that smile made my heart beat erratically as he grinned at me.

"You're happy tonight," I whispered in a breathless tone as he had robbed my of any air with that kiss of his.

"I'm just happy to see you," he said with bright eyes, but I knew there had to be something more to it than that. He was too happy, too pleased with himself and it was clear from the brightness of his smile.

I watched him turn away from me to hang up his coat before ducking into the kitchen to seek out whatever food we had in there. He emerged with a cup of tea and cookies that I had made that morning.

"You're coming home with me for Christmas," he stated as I watched him eat. It was a statement and not a question as to if I would come with him. I wasn't surprised by this since I had always come home with home, but there was more to it as he took hold of my hand in his. He was telling me that I would come home with _him._ It would not just be as a tag along, but as _his_ and he was not allowing me to argue with him over it.

"Ok," I agreed slowly as I watched him smile in an almost victorious manner before looking away from me once more.

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	51. Chapter 51

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Christmas at the Cullen house was extravagant. Esme loved the holidays and Carlisle loved to spoil the people he loved most in the world. I counted my lucky stars that I was one of them.

We ate and drank on Christmas Eve opening what few presents Carlisle had agreed to before being shuffled off to bed like children awaiting Santa Claus. I helped drag Edward up the stairs as he was red faced and way too merry from the spiked wassail we had been drinking.

"You're so pretty," he would whisper in my ear as he leaned into my arms as we climbed the steps together.

"The bedroom door stays open!" Carlisle yelled behind us just like always while Edward just grinned like the half assed drunk he was while shaking his head no to me before kissing my nose.

"You're drunk," I whispered to him as his hand slid down my back to grab my ass as stopped in front of his door.

"Only on your beauty," he replied with a grin as I rolled my eyes at him before laughing at his ridiculous behavior as he pulled me into his bed room. I was staying in there with him instead of the guest room I normally occupied.

"How did you get your dad to agree to this," I said as he pulled me back against him just as he closed the door behind us. His hands gripped me tighter, holding me to him as his kissed my neck so softly that his lips almost tickled my skin.

"I told him I needed you," he whispered as I shook my head in response to his words. He had always said that and told everyone who would listen that he needed me so I wasn't surprised by his confession.

Edward walked us over to his bed. It was narrow and too small for the two of us, but that wasn't what bothered me. It was the idea of all the other girls that had been in there. I knew it should not bother me, yet it did. It was irrational, but that was us. We weren't always rational together.

"What's wrong?" he asked me in a low whisper as I stalled, refusing to lie on the bed.

"How many other girls have you had here?" I asked him as I felt the sting of jealousy that made no sense since he wasn't mine when he was with the other girls.

"What?" he asked me in a stunned voice as turned me around in his arms so I could face him.

"What are you talking about?" he asked me with wide green eyes that held surprise as he looked down at me from his height.

"The other girls? How many?" I asked him as he looked at me as if I had lost my mind.

"Bella, the only girl I've ever had in my room has been you," he said firmly as he looked at me with an irritated amusement that added to my anger as well as disbelief as I mumbled sure under my breath.

"You have always had such an imagination when it came to my sex life," Edward said with a half growl of anger before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

"Bella, I don't know why you insist on always thinking the worst of me, yet you do," he whispered in a controlled manner as if he was holding back his anger as he spoke. It was that control that made me look into his eyes and what I found there was surprising as he met my gaze with a pleading one of worry.

"There haven't been any other girls here in this room or on this bed except for you. I've never had the time for other girls like what you imagine since I'm always spending all my time chasing after you," he said as he looked at me with a pleading look as he dared me to deny it.

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	52. Chapter 52

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I awoke to the sound of Edward's soft snore. He was on top of me holding me to him with his weight pressing me into the small mattress we shared. He was warm and just the right kind of comfort that I craved as he breathed against my skin.

I pressed closer to him, savoring his weight as I tried to relax, yet I could not rest. My mind ran in constant loops over Edward's words from earlier.

_ "You have always had such an imagination when it came to my sex life."_

I knew I had a wild imagination when it came to Edward, but how could I not when there were girls always around him, trying to get his attention, and fighting for touch. He would let them touch him and then watch as I lost my mind over it. I had no doubt it was my punishment for refusing him after his freak out from when we were in high school, but how could I take him back when he wasn't sure about us? How could I want to be with him while knowing that the moment things became tough he would be gone since he couldn't handle it? It was a tangled mess and no matter how much we tried to untangle ourselves from each other we always ended up together.

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	53. Chapter 53

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I barely had slipped out of Edward's arms when I felt his grip tighten to hold me in place.

"Where are you going?" he whispered to me in a voice thick with sleep as he moved towards me to press his lanky frame against me. It always amazed me how well we fit together, my curves against his angles, yet somehow we fit together like puzzle pieces.

"I can't sleep," I whispered to him as he murmured in response before pressing a kiss against my bare shoulder while he embraced me.

"What can I do to help you?" he asked me in a soft whisper that was comforting while his words tripped over each other with suggestion.

"Love me," I whispered into the darkness, asking him to touch me, to chase away the ache inside of me like only he could.

Edward shifted beside me, pulling me back against him as he rolled over me, crushing me with his weight even though I welcomed it with a happy sigh until he was on top of me, looking down on me with his too knowing of gaze.

Slowly, he brushed his nose along mine, teasing me with an Eskimo kiss before placing a whisper of a kiss against my lips while responding to me with confidence that I had never felt from him before.

"I always have."

A**N:  
Thanks for reading!**

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	54. Chapter 54

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward made love to me slowly, in a sleepy manner while whispering soft nonsense in my ear of how he wanted me. I left me gasping for air not just from his touch, but from the heavy emotion he poured into it and me until I was left a shuddering beneath him from the pleasure of it.

"Sleep," he slurred into my ear as he held me against him, willing me to sleep, but even with his best effort my mind was racing and I couldn't. I waited until he was completely gone before slipping out of his grasp and replacing my form with a pillow for him to cling instead of me.

Once out of his bed, I slipped on his t-shirt and a clean pair of his boxers before looking back at him. Edward looked so content as he slept curled around a pillow that had taken my place. He was happy. I could see it on him and it made me smile since that's all I ever wanted for him was to be happy.

With one last look I ducked out of his room to find something to ease my racing mind.

_I always have._

His words echoed in my head as I reached the kitchen. I had expected to find it empty, but instead I found Esme up to her elbows in flour and a fresh pot of coffee brewing.

"What are you doing up?" I asked her with a grin as I watched her jump, startled by my sudden appearance.

"I could ask you the same thing," she said breathlessly as she pulled her hands out of the bowl to wipe them off while I poured my own cup of coffee.

"Cinnamon rolls. Its Christmas morning so I make cinnamon rolls," she went on to explain, even though I knew this. It was her routine, I was just surprised to find her there. I glanced up at the clock to find that it was five and soon Carlisle would be demanding that everyone be up to enjoy the day.

"You look tired," Esme said as she looked at me while I breathed in the warmth and scent of the coffee.

"I couldn't sleep," I said as she laughed out loud at me.

"Yeah, I heard," she teased in response as I rolled my eyes, yet wanted to die over her knowing that we had been intimate.

"Stop it," she said as she swatted me with dish towel in an attempt to calm my self-consciousness, but it was pointless. I was mortified and no amount of cajoling would change that.

"No one is happier than me that you and Edward have found each other again," she said with a sigh as I looked away in embarrassment.

"I was so worried about the two of you," she said she pulled the dough out on to the counter top to roll flat.

"You know, when you almost died from that car wreck so did he," she said in a knowing voice that I hated because she was right. The accident that I had been a part of our senior year was too much for him. He hated that he wasn't there to stop it, but the truth be known he could not have stopped a car from losing control on the ice any more than anyone else. He could not have stopped me from being hurt by shattered glass or breaking a bone in my leg on impact with the tree I hit. He could not have stopped it, it was out of hands, and because of that he could not take it. That was Edward though. He thought he could control everything; the world, me, and even his emotions. It was then that he told me he could never love me since loving me meant he would lose me. His ridiculous belief that if he loved me I would leave him brought me to the angry demand that I place on him. If he couldn't love me then he needed to leave me since I wasn't going to wait or beg for him to change his mind. It was this fight that we always went back to. This was the argument that took over, broke us apart and brought us to the point of pushing and pulling each other away.

"Edward is a lot stronger than what others give him credit for," I said in a cool tone that made her smile. She knew I would always defend him.

"He is, but this is about you and well… he doesn't always think when it comes to you, now does he?" she asked with a chuckle as I looked down to avoid her gaze since I knew she was right.

**AN:**

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	55. Chapter 55

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Christmas came and passed and soon we were left on New Year's Eve. I was supposed to have spent it with Mike, but canceled on him as I could not find it in me to go. He wasn't who I wanted even though he was by far the safest choice. Instead, I spent New Year's Eve with Edward. We stayed in watching movies and making out on the beat up couch of my apartment before finally celebrating the New Year in my bed tangled together. It was the best way to usher in the year possible.

It was with that grin of happiness and the promise of a new year together that kept my smiling as I stood in line at the grocery store, waiting to be checked out. When it was finally my turn I found myself face to face with Jessica Stanley.

"Hey Bella," she said with a smile that held no malice in it, but that was Jess. She was never really purposely mean.

"Jess," I said with a nod as I waited for her to ring up the food I was buying so I could just get out of there.

"So, you and Edward, huh?" she asked me with a smile that surprised me while robbing me of any words to respond with.

"He told me you two were together," she said with a happy smile as I felt my stomach twist with knots over her grin.

"Tell him thank you for the gift for Nicholas. He loved the books," Jess said with a goofy grin that she always wore when she mentioned her son that she had our after senior year in high school together. It was the scandal of Forks and the reason why Mike Newton broke it off with her since he swore the kid wasn't his. That's where the rumors of Edward and her together came about as well as the whispers that he was the father of the child. They were rumors that both Jess and Edward denied.

"I didn't know he had…" I stammered, telling her like a fool I was that I had no idea that Edward had bought a Christmas gift for her son, even though I wasn't surprised by it.

"Yeah, Edward's great with him. He doesn't mind at all that I have to bring him along on when we meet up," she said with a nervous wave of her hand before telling me the total of my bill.

A**N:**

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	56. Chapter 56

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I left the grocery store slightly confused as to what the hell just happened. If I was to believe what Jess told me then it meant Edward had lied to me, but the question was what had he lied over? He had told me so many different things and as I sat in my car with my groceries to my side I tried sort of what was fact and what was fiction.

I thought back to every conversation I had with Edward and all the nonsense started to shine through. The more I thought about it the angrier I became until I was starting a car with a shaking hand to find him and seek out the truth.

It took the short drive back to my place to find him. His beat up car was parked out front and just seeing it there added fuel to my fury. He had lied to me, but I had no idea as to what he lied about, I just knew that he lied.

I parked my car and grabbed the bags to go inside.

S_tay calm and listen to him._

_ Stay calm and listen to him._

_ Stay calm and listen to him._

That simple statement was my mantra as I approached my home. There had to be a reasonable explanation, I just didn't know what it was.

I was going to calm and collected. I was planning on walking in and greeting him as if nothing was wrong and then ask, but when I opened the door and found him sprawled out on my couch while greeting me with a goofy grin I lost my mind.

"Do you mind telling me what the hell is going on?" I demanded from him as I slammed the door behind me with more force than what was necessary while watching his smile fade into a look that could only be confused guilt.

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	57. Chapter 57

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I watched as Edward scrambled to sit up from the lounging position he was in. His eyes were wide and confused as he looked at me while I continued on my complete melt down.

"I spoke with Jess at the grocery store," I said as I tried not to yell at him, but as he met my fury with a blank look I could not control my temper.

"What the hell, Edward?" I demanded as he looked at me.

"Where were you on Tuesdays and Thursdays?" I asked as he remained silent.

"I was in class Tuesday night and study group Thursday," he shot back in a rush of words as I stood there, slack jawed over his response. This was news to me.

"No, you failed out UW and haven't taken classes again," I replied firm, repeating what he had told me.

"Bella, just hear me out," he said as he held out his hands in defeat, signaling me that whatever he was about to say was huge. I watched him stand up with a pleading look painted on his face as he approached me. It made my stomach turn with nerves and anger.

"You know how we came back when your father died?" he asked me in a soothing tone as if he was trying to calm me. I nodded, since I could not find my words to speak.

"I never failed out. I never …I never had a problem with classes or… women," he said slowly as he held my gaze as if he was waiting for me to lose my mind and I was right there on the verge.

"No, you said…" I began, but he stepped closer to me, yet did not touch me.

"I lied, Bella," he confessed in a worried whisper as I stood my ground against him.

"No…" I sputtered as I looked at him, but Edward just nodded.

"What would you have said if I told you that I was coming home with you when your dad died?" he asked me as I held his dark gaze.

"What would you have told me if I said my classes were fine and I was fine, I just knew you needed me so I was coming home with you?" he asked me in a soft voice as I shook my head no at him once more.

"My grades were fine. I wasn't out with women. You knew that since I spent every night with you. I went home for you, to be with you," he stated so softly, so simply as if the truth of his words were so clear.

"What about…" I began as I thought what he had told me.

"You always insisted on believing every horrible thing you heard about me. You still do…" he trailed off with a laugh that low and sad as he looked at me with wide green eyes that made my chest ache.


	58. Chapter 58

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"You lied?" I managed to say as I found my voice once more. I could feel the rage starting to bubble inside of me as I watched him nod his head in a silent yes.

"You want me to believe that the last three years have been lies," I repeated slowly as he met my gaze with a steady confident one of his own.

"Yes," he replied with a firm nod as if this was nothing.

"So the women…" I began as I looked at him.

"You believed what you want to believe. I never said I was with those girls and I never went home with anyone since I was always going home with you," he said as he looked at me daring me to deny it. It was true he was with me. He was always with me.

"You were the one pushing me away," he challenged as I stood there searching my memory for anything to prove him wrong. There was nothing. There were memories of girls flirting with him and my angry accusations. There were thoughts of how he denied everything and asked how I could not believe him since there was no one but me.

"Tanya" I practically screamed at him as I found myself at a loss of words over this situation once more.

"I _dated _Tanya," he said firmly as I eyed him carefully.

"She was the first girl I had dated since you," he said in a calm tone as I watched him.

"She knew…She knew there was nothing between her and I," he said as I watched him explain away what I had known to some extent. I knew he wasn't into her. It was clear to see and darkest part of me always was thrilled by it.

"She knew it was always you. We fought over you and you know it,' he said in a rougher tone as I stared at him, unsure over what to say since I did know that they fought over me.

"You said you fucked Jess," I whispered to him as I remembered a conversation from what seemed like a life time ago, but was only a mere few months.

"And if I had showed up that night and told you that Tanya demanded that I pick. She wanted me to pick between her and you, what would you have said?" he asked with a laugh that felt cold and hollow.

"I would have told you not to pick me," I stated, causing him to howl with laughter like a mad man.

"As if I could do that," he whispered to me with hard eyes that hurt to look into.

"I picked you, Bella. I always pick you even though you _never_ pick me," he said in rough growl as I watched his eyes flash with hurt and anger as he held my gaze, daring me to deny his charges against me, while knowing that I couldn't.

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	59. Chapter 59

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward stood there, watching me, waiting for me to say something =, anything to prove him wrong, but we both we knew I couldn't. I never choose him. I never picked him at all since there was no need. He was always there, lurking in the background, waiting to swoop in and save me, as if I wanted him to save me.

I looked at him with his handsome face twisted into a smile that held a hollow victory as I tried to contain my perverse pleasure in knowing that each time I chose another it hurt him since I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to hurt as badly as what I did inside.

"You lied to me," I repeated to him, causing him to roll his eyes in response.

"I lied because it was what was best for you," he countered back causing me to laugh at his words.

"Best for you or best for me, Edward?" I retorted causing him to sputter for a second since I was calling him out on his game.

"Everything you told me, every lie you whispered, every time you let me believe some half truth it was all to better you," I snorted and then watched his eyes go wide with shock before narrowing in anger.

"You think that allowing you to picture me as some fucking lothario in his backwater town was to better me?" he hissed in anger as he stepped closer so we were almost nose to nose. I could see the rage building inside him. It was white hot and made his eyes a bitter shade of green as he glared down at me, but I refused to back away. He may have started the fire between us with his lies and careless words, but I would be the one who burned us to the ground.

"Everything I ever did was for you," he growled at me in a low throaty voice that made my heart race with both excitement and fear.

"Every decision, every thought, every dream… every last fucking thing I've ever done was for you," he rasped to me in a breathy tone as if he could not catch his breath as he stood before me.

"I gave it all up for you. School. Girls. Dreams. Everything for just one fucking chance to be with you, but it was never was enough was it?" he demanded as I stood before him, wanting to die, yet refusing to move.

"You never forgave me for that one night with that girl, a night that I don't even fucking remember…and everything… everything ever since has been a punishment because of it," he gasped loudly with wide eyes as if the truth had finally dawned upon him. It was painful to look at since I knew he was right. I had never forgiven him. I had never let it go that he had slept with some faceless girl who never mattered to him while I was at home without him.

"I've served my penance, Bella," he continued on in a low whisper that hurt my head to hear.

"I've done it all… All for you," he whispered so softly it was almost seductive with his low raspy tone as he looked down at me with those wide, hurt eyes of his.

"I've loved you since as far back as I could remember and yet…. Yet here I am still fighting a battle for your heart, knowing damn well it's a battle I'll never win," he murmured to me making my heart hurt with his words.

He loved me.

He had always loved me.

"Did you ever even love me?" he breathed out in a softest of voice that I wasn't sure if he had even spoken aloud or if it was something that I had dreamed up.

"I'm done. I can't fight for you any more, Popcorn," he murmured as I looked away from him to hide the tears that were stinging in my eyes.

"You won," he whispered to me in a ragged tone that tore at my heart before turning abruptly to walk out of my apartment without a look back.

**AN:**

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	60. Chapter 60

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I waited for the crash that would follow the slamming of the front door, but there was none. Edward just walked out and quietly closed the door behind him with the softest and deadliest of clicks.

He was gone and I wasn't surprised. We had danced that dance before. We would fight. He would leave. I would wait. I would wait for him to come back since he always came back to me, but this time it was different. This time there was no screaming words, no angry parting shots, nothing that hinted at anything other than good bye.

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	61. Chapter 61

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Three days.

It was always three days of silence followed by an awkward appearance and then a sigh of defeat for Edward and I to fall back together, but as the sun rose on the fourth day I knew he had meant what he said. He was done and knowing that it was over that he was standing by what he said left me dying inside.

It was knowing that he wasn't coming back that had me driving by his house to see if his car was there and calling Esme just to see if she would mention his name. She never did.

I hurt and I blamed him for it. I blamed him with his damn lies and half truths. I knew he caused this. I knew it even though the nagging burn in my belly reminded me too much of guilt and I hated that.

I was lost in the haze of my thought of defending my actions when the loud pounding on my door startled me in action. I found myself up and racing to the door with an excitement racing through me that I hadn't felt in days.

_He's back_

_ He's back._

My heart was screaming the words as I jerked open the door, not giving a damn that I was in my pajamas and it was afternoon or that I hadn't showered yet. I just wanted to see Edward and I knew it had to be him.

The door was wide open with me standing there, practically panting with excitement only to find Angela standing there waiting for me. Her permanent scowl was twisted into a bitter look of surprise as she stared at me through her thick glasses.

"Where the hell have you been?" she demanded from me in her typically harsh manner that I was used to, yet I still found myself crumbling before her since it wasn't him.

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	62. Chapter 62

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"Jesus, Bella you look like hell," Ange announced as she pushed her way into my apartment. I didn't bother to glance at myself in the mirror along the wall since I knew she was right. I felt like hell so there was no doubt in my mind that I looked like it as well.

I watched her as she walked to the center of my tiny apartment and looked around at the mess that I had been living in for the last four days. There were clothes strewn all around and dirty dishes covering the coffee table.

"What the hell happened?" she asked me as she looked around the mess I created and I had no words. I wasn't even sure where to begin.

"I've been covering your shift for the last three days," she continued on as she looked at me with a cold gaze that I knew was her way her evaluating me, not that I needed her to look me over to know that I was wrong.

"What's going on?" she asked me as she looked at me with that same hard look while I remained silent.

"Are you pregnant?" she asked bluntly as she watched my face while I sputtered no. I wasn't pregnant or at least I didn't think I was.

"What the hell happened?" she asked me as she waited impatiently as I stood before her, unsure of what to say outside of my answer for everything that occurred in my life for as long as I could remember.

"Edward," I mumbled and then listened to her defeated sigh in response.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Had to cut this one short, but will be back in a bit with another update or two before the evening is done.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	63. Chapter 63

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Angela sat there with her purse in hand as I spilled my heart out to her. I told her everything. I whispered stories about a father that I wanted to love me and never could. I told her about a boy who failed me even though he wasn't mine at the time to fail. I told her about anger and hurt that never seemed to go away followed by a boy who claimed to lie all in order to love me. It was a farfetched story, but the one I had to tell.

"Am I wrong?" I asked her in a whisper as I wiped at my eyes while she watched me with her hard gaze that made left me uncomfortable instead of comforted.

"No," she said after a long pause that was followed with a sigh.

"He shouldn't have lied to you," she said with a firm nod, validating my anger at him even though that made me feel even worse.

"But I understand why he did," she continued on, catching me off guard with her statement.

"Bella, you're a hard person to love," she sighed with a shrug as I stared at her in shock.

"I don't mean it like you are hard to love, what I mean is… well," she sighed before wringing her hands together as if she was trying to let me down easy, but I didn't need to be let down easy, I just wanted the truth.

"If he had told you that he loved you and that he was there for you, only you, would you have believed him?" she asked me with a critical eye. I knew what she was doing. She was daring me to lie to her and I wanted to. The lie was sitting on the tip of my tongue, but she stopped me.

"You wouldn't have and even if you did, it wouldn't have been enough," she said with a shake of her head.

"I'm not saying what he did was right, Bella, but I understand it," she continued on as I looked at her with mixed emotion. It felt as if she was betraying me with her words even though I knew she was speaking from her heart.

"He did what he needed to stay close to you. Sure it was wrong, but I gotta give him credit for it. I mean, think of all the times he let you go off on him over a lie when it was all to be close to you. It's kinda sad really," she finished flatly as she looked at me with a calm expression.

"I thought you hated him," I mumbled as I looked away trying not to show her my disappointment even though hearing her defend Edward lifted a weight on my chest.

"I may not have liked him, but I could never hate someone who loves you like that," she stated simply as she took my hand, reminding once more as to why we were friends even if her words hurt to hear.

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	64. Chapter 64

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"The facts are simple, Bella," Angela said as she stood up to leave, not caring that I was arguing with her.

He was wrong and I was right.

"You can either be right or you can happy," she concluded with a sigh as she looked at me with a knowing look, calling me out on my bullshit for once and for all before leaving me alone to mull over her words.

I thought over her words for hours, contemplating what she had said while trying to find how she was wrong in her thoughts. It was hard to maintain an air of righteous indignation when every one of your flaws had been exposed.

_You don't trust people._

_ You're hard to love._

_ You expect the worse in someone._

_ If he had told you the truth would you have even believed him?_

The truth was I wouldn't. I would not have believed him since why would he choose me when my own father didn't? It was the question I had wrestled with for years. The same question I had seen psychologists over and sought spiritual advice to find an answer, but the answer was there the entire time. How could he love me when I didn't love myself?

**AN:**

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**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	65. Chapter 65

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Some how in a small town Edward and I managed to avoid each other. I wasn't sure what to say to him and when I did think of something to say my pride would stop me. I wasn't sure if it was the same for him or not.

As days turned into weeks the silence of my apartment that echoed Angela's words began to haunt me just as much as what Edward was. I would find his t-shirt mixed in with my clothes. I would discover a random love note that he had tucked into a book that I had been reading. I would find pieces of him everywhere and with each piece I was left to ponder over what had happened.

Looking back I should have seen what he was doing. He was a good liar, but not that good. He was leaving me little trails of the truth like breadcrumbs to lead me back to him.

There was Tanya and her never ending hate of me. It never made sense, but knowing now that he entered into dating with the full disclosure that he wanted me instead I could see why she hated me.

There was everything from Jess to our time at the University. None of it made clear sense, but it was easier to believe the worst about him than trust him enough to know that it wasn't true. I still didn't understand why he allowed me to think it, but maybe Ange was right. Maybe even if he had told me I wouldn't have believed him anyway.

It was these truths that kept me up at night as well as wondering where he was. Had he gone back to Seattle? Was he ok? Could he be ok when I wasn't? It was a selfish thought, but I had discovered that I was a selfish person at heart because I wanted him for me alone and the thought of sharing any piece of him cut like a knife. It hurt to the point where I needed him to hurt as well.

It was that hurt that brought me to where I was, driving to his house at two in the morning. I braved the icy roads to find him so I could tell him that I was sorry for everything and nothing all at once.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! **

**Sorry I had to cut this one short, but I have a meeting a baby girl #4's school so I'm off for a while.. I will be posting the last chapters later today.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	66. Chapter 66

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I pulled up in front of the Cullen house and parked the car. The lights were off in every room except Edward's. I wondered if not fighting over the blanket was keeping him up at night like it was me.

I sat there in the dark watching the house while the air in the car in grew cold around me as reality set in. I had no business knocking on his door demanding he listen to me even though I could not count how many times he came to me in the middle of the night demanding my attention. I could be better than approaching him when he was tired and possibly needy even though that would be the easiest way to do it since my courage was waning the longer I sat there.

It was with a heavy sigh that I grabbed the keys in the ignition to start the car and leave once more, but before I could I noticed the cherry red glow of a burning cigarette mixed with the dark shadow of a person sitting on the porch swing.

It was him. It was Edward sitting out side to brave the elements for a fucking smoke . I bit my lip as I realized his quitting was clearly one more lie he had told me even though it was that anger that propelled me out of the car and towards him.

The rain pelted me as I ran towards the porch as if he was pulling me to him before coming to an abrupt stop on the steps just under the awning and out of the rain. I looked at him for the first time in days and felt the weight on my chest lighten. Edward was dressed jeans and a winter jacket that he hadn't bothered to zip. He was wearing no shoes, just socks that were thick in hopes of keeping his toes warm. He looked rumpled from sleep, yet more tired than what I had ever seen him. Simply stated he looked beautiful.

Edward didn't look surprised to see me, instead he looked resigned as if he had been waiting for this moment while I was the one who felt overwhelmed by it all. I waited until he looked at me and once our eyes met I bit back the gasp as I noticed how the fire that had always been Edward seemed dimmed.

"You shouldn't be out driving when its like this," he stated calmly as he looked at me with those damn empty eyes that tore at my heart. His words were typical of him, always worried, always concerned that somehow I would get hurt.

"I thought you quit," I whispered as I motioned towards the burning cigarette in his hand as I stood there, unsure if I should step closer to run away, even though I felt as if he was holding me there with some unseen force.

My question made him smile, but it was a sad smile followed up with a hollow laugh before bringing the cigarette up to his lips to take a deep drag off of it.

"There are a lot of things that I've tried to quit and failed at, Bella," he chuckled darkly as he exhaled a cloud of smoke into the air around him.


	67. Chapter 67

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

I stood there letting the wind and rain whip at me as I watched Edward continue to smoke at a leisurely pace as if he had not a care in the world, but I knew better. I could see the tremor in his hand each time that his brought the cigarette up to his lips.

Edward watched me with an unreadable expression as I stood there letting the rain and wind whip around me.

"Come sit down and get out of the rain," he mumbled as he shifted on the wooden swing, moving a bulky blanket that he had tucked into his side, but was not using to allow me room next to him. I hesitated for a moment, but it just enough for him to notice my uncertainty.

"Jesus," he muttered in frustration before standing up, crossing the space between us to grab me by the arm to drag me back into the swing.

"You always make things so difficult," he whispered with a tired sigh as I was forced to sit and then wrapped in a blanket before he sat back away from me. Once I was settled warm and safe beside him, Edward sat there waiting for something while I fought the urge to vomit all over the blanket.

I listened to his breathing and the hiss of his cigarette as he inhaled. It was comforting in a way since it proved that he was beside me.

"I am sorry I lied to you. I shouldn't have," he whispered in a sad voice that turned my stomach with nerves as I shook my head no at him. This wasn't supposed to be his apology. It was mine to make and if he wanted to apologize then he could do so after I had spoken my peace.

"Wait-"I sputtered as he turned to look at me with a surprised look that had a hint of hurt to it.

"I am selfish," I sputtered to him as I struggled to find the words to say to him.

"I always expect the worst in people. Especially you," I continued on as I tried to breathe while his wide eyes bore into mine.

"I…I am wrong," I whispered as I cringed over the bitter taste the words left in my mouth.

"But more than that, I am sorry. I'm sorry I never believed in you. I'm sorry I held a grudge over something that happened before you were mine. I'm sorry for thinking the worst of you always since it was easier to want to believe that than the best. And I'm so very sorry for hurting you with words and…and Jasper…and just everything," I whispered to him pleadingly, as I looked into his dark, unreadable eyes, willing him to see how much I meant my words to him.

**AN:  
Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	68. Chapter 68

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward remained silent and still as stone beside me as I waited for his response. I had never apologized to him before. Never. Not once. Not even when I had known I should have. This was a first and I hoped that he would realize that.

He remained quiet as he looked at me with those dark eyes that had haunted me during our days apart. They were unreadable as always. With each second that passed that he remained silent my hope diminished until I found myself pulling away from his side. I couldn't be this close to him as he told me that he was done. I couldn't feel his warmth and know that I would never feel again.

I had slowly started to untangle myself from the blanket while he watched me until I was able to stand up to leave him.

"I want you to know that I will always love you and I will always regret hurting you. That will never change for me…And I understand if this… this is too little too late," I whispered as I attempted to make my escape from him and his empty silence. I had barely had a chance to turn away from him when I felt his icy fingers wrap around my wrist before pulling me to him with a hard jerk that caused me to stumble before I was abruptly wrapped up in his warm embrace.

**AN:**

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**Mamasutra**


	69. Chapter 69

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Edward's fingers were ice cold as they slipped under my shirt to touch the soft skin of my lower back, but I didn't complain since I was too lost in his kiss that tasted like cigarettes, coffee and a hint of the boy I loved. This was what I wanted. I wanted him and if it meant that I had to humble myself to keep what I wanted I would.

"Say it again," he gasped as he broke our kiss to breathe while I whined in response.

"I'm sorry," I whispered against his lips only to feel him shake his head no.

"I was wrong," I whispered while tangling my fingers into his hair to pull it since I knew such a simple move drove him wild.

My words made him giggle in a dark manner as his eyes bore into mine, bright with lust and burning with an emotion that took my breath away.

"Bet that hurts, but not quite what I need to hear," he whispered to me, teasing with his words while making my lips buzz from the vibration of him speaking as my belly swirled with excitement from having him this close.

"I love you," I whispered softly to him, interrupting his teasing and earning a soft sigh that warmed my heart since I could hear relief and happiness in that sigh before smiling as if he had won a prize when we both knew that I was far from a prize.

"Say it again," he demanded as he held me tighter in his arms while he watched me as if this moment was a dream even though the cold and rain should have been a big enough reminder as to how real this was.

"I love you," I whispered against his lips, kissing him as he smiled bright and victorious for me.

A**N:  
Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	70. Chapter 70

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

We kissed like the teenagers we used to be, tangled together on the front porch swing that groaned with every movement we made. His lips were cold and tasted like hell, but I had missed him too much to even care. We remained like this kissing, warming our hands against hidden skin until the door opened to the house, startling us more than the thunder that boomed around us, as the light from the hallway lit the spaces between us.

We turned at the same time, bumping noses as we both gasped in surprise to find his father, Carlisle, standing there in nothing more than a pair of boxers and his glasses. He looked at us for a moment before shutting the door to leave us alone once more, but not before giving us pleased grin. It was that smile that spurred Edward into action.

"Stay," he demanded softly, not giving me the choice to leave him, not that I would have. I nodded in agreement before scrambling off his lap, knocking the blanket on the floor of the porch in my haste to go inside with my boy.

Hand in hand we walked in, leaving the blanket crumpled on the floor as well as the pack of cigarettes on the old wooden swing. They weren't needed. I had my warmth and he had his drug of choice.

Edward pulled me up the stairs, not caring that his father was watching us go before Carlisle followed it by the soft call of good night to us both in such a tone that it made my face burn with embarrassment.

Once we were in his room and the door was shut so that it was just us alone once more I went to pull him to me, but there was no need. Edward was just there like he always was, holding me watching me with such warmth in his gaze that I could not help, but to feel cherished and loved. It was an overwhelming feeling that seemed to swallow me whole as I gazed into his eyes. It was a stifling and left me breathless, but I loved it.

"I love you, Bella" he whispered to me with such emotion that it made my heart clench painfully tight in my chest as he leaned down to brush his lips against mine. It was the kiss needed to bring on the promise of tomorrow while burning the past.

Slowly, we undressed each other before turning back towards the bed. I crawled underneath his covers, pulling him with me with soft kisses and whispered promises of better days to come. Edward answered with his own kisses and promises as well. It was these promises that burned more than his touch and lit me on fire more than his kiss. It was those promises that gave us hope as we tangled together on his bed until there was no space between us and telling where he began or I ended since we were just one.

Through out our short years on the planet Edward and I had learned that the most successful people had a turning point in their lives. It was moment in time where their future could have gone either way, good or bad, right or wrong. It was at that point that these warriors made a clear, unequivocal decision that they were not going to live for anything less than their dreams. Edward and I were in that moment as we strived towards perfection on his bed. It was with a gasp and whisper as he entered me that I promised him that I would never close him out ever again while he responded with a breathy promise to only to speak the truth, even if the truth would hurt me. It was all we needed to move forward and leave the past where it belonged in the past.

It was with hands entwined, pressed belly to belly as he pushed me to blinding heights while whispering his love for me I welcomed him into me. I held him to me while I sputtered nonsense mixed with my unending love for him as well. It was in this bliss that we let go of everything that had held us back and grasped the happiness that had always been just within our reach.

The End

A**N:**

**Thanks for reading! I will be posting an epi for this story a little later on.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	71. Chapter 71

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

_Ten years later….._

I awoke to the sound of rain hitting the roof hard and angry as if t had something to prove with its force. It was almost unnatural to hear it fall in such a fashion, but I had learned in that everything in the Midwest was different than my beloved pacific northwest. The summers were hotter. The winters were colder. The rain was not every day and when it did happen to rain it was harsh to the point of cruelty.

I had grown to love it here, but that love was nurtured by the boy who I came with to this place. I wouldn't say I followed him here since that would imply that I allowed his flights of fancy to determine my world when that wasn't the case. Our move to Midwest was a heavily discussed and happily agreed up as a good thing for us both. Edward came here for Northwestern and me for DePaul, but more than that we came here for a start over in a place that was not the backdrop to every bad decision we made.

In Chicago, we were squeaky clean high school sweet hearts, not broken fools who loved each other too to be healthy. People quickly caught on though so soon our cover was blown and they saw us for what we were, not that I minded at all.

It was in Chicago that I finally gave into the demands that Esme had been making for years by attending counseling. It was a hard decision, but one that I came to after realizing that unless something changed Edward and me never would.

Counseling was brutal as my psychologist, Jane, made me look at my life and the realities of it that I had ignored before. I had refused to acknowledge that I was a beloved a child, but looking back on it there was no doubt. Sure, dad fell apart after mom's death, but how could he not? The problem with him falling apart was that he was never able to pull himself together again. I was able to put most of my hurt behind me with each session, leaving me feeling lighter with each passing week I spent with her.

Counseling also taught me about Edward. He a lot like my father in ways that I had not realized until Jane had pointed it out. Edward was unfailing in his love me. He revolved around me like the moon goes around the earth. It was an intense relationship that was too strong and too demanding for the kids we had been. It was with his love, I could see my father's love for my mother, giving me the reasons as to why he reacted the way he had when she died since I had no doubt that without me Edward was fall apart as well. It was a heavy burden, but one I was used to and loved as much as the man who pinned his future upon mine.

I slipped out the bed and walked down the hallway, letting the sound of the rain drown out the sound of my footsteps. I knew where he would be. It was the same room he had gone to for the last three weeks since bringing her home. The room he painted a pale blue-lavender for me because I decided that I wanted the room to match her name during one of my crazed hormone filled last days of pregnancy.

"Shh" I heard him murmur with a yawn to our fussing newborn as he feed her a bottle, making me smile since I could hear the tenderness and awe in his voice as he spoke to our daughter. It was the same awe he had always had since the day we had discovered that she was on her way.

I peered into the dimly light room to find my husband rocking our child in the rocking chair he had insisted on buying for me. He looked tired and so damn happy that it was impossible not to smile when I saw him. Long gone was the boy he had been and in his place was the man that I had married.

He noticed me watching him with our three week old in his arms with a grin before motioning for me to join them.

"Did we wake you?" he whispered to me as he pulled me on to his lap while shifting Violet in his arms just enough to hold us both.

"No, the storm" I murmured against the skin of his neck as I breathed in the soothing scent of him once more.

"You never did like storms," he murmured absent mindedly to me before pressing a kiss against the top of my head as I cuddled against him.

This was our life now, Edward, me, and now Violet. We were still far from perfect. We had our struggles and knee jerk rejections that counseling lessened, yet did not forever cure us of. We were still Edward and Bella, broken, yet beautiful together and that would never change.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**This was a fun thing to write that all started with a conversation I had with my fic wife Anne who reminded me that when reading a story in one character's pov that you can only see, hear and feel what they do. From there a story was born with me asking "but what if…"**

**Thanks to all who have taken the ride with me **

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**Mamasutra**


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